Desire vs. Need

I always thought the one I wanted would be the one who wanted me. The one I would want to touch would want to touch me too.

I wonder if I'll know this love before I die.

I'm thinking of quitting.

I always wonder if everyone except me me knows I'm a fucking idiot.

Of Carpenters and Fire Starters

[Written May 2012]

I grew up in a home where the concept of God was non-existent. While I'm sure it wasn't a home void of love it certainly wasn't filled with what one who has a healthy concept of love might recognize as such. I'm sure my parents did the best they could with what faculties and upbringing they had been afforded, but it was dysfunctional at best and abusive on every level at worst.

I see in hindsight that God was with me throughout my childhood, for the very fact that I made it through and only as dysfunctional as I am. At the time of my conversion however I could not have understood all the lofty theology that explained unmerited grace, mercy, or even the most basic of concepts.

I was what I have heard since referred to as an EGR kid (Extra Grace Required), and having come from that background this is where my heart lies for those EGR people who may seek the answers truth provides. For I too still am an EGR person, however what I once tried to hide as weakness in my youth I now embrace as strength in my later years. I digress...

I did not come to Christ through a series of theological bludgeonings from a book which I had no knowledge, nor did I come to know him by being shown the ungrace and merciless beratings I had known in my home life.

I came to know and accept Jesus because His love was exemplified to me through a very few and select of his people. I knew this his love was something I desired to experience and pass along.

There is much more to the story, but there is no need to share more here except one more thing.

This revelation, this relationship started for me in my adolescent years. I could not have known what this relationship would become, but I was determined that my commitment would be one that I would honor to the best of my abilities. It took many years of failure in relying on my own strengths and perspectives before I realized that I was in fact missing the point entirely. Again by God's mercy and grace shown through his peoples' longsuffering with me through this very long period of trial and error, I eventually came to understand the weakness of my own strength and glory of God's.

Fast forward...

Whenever people ask me for parenting advice, I tell them the only two things I feel confident will be applicable:

1) Kids are people. They are not you or your spouse although they may be part of both, they are in the end persons of freewill and will act as such. Consequently you must know your child to understand how to best express your love and disciplines in a manner that will be effective for them. What is true for one is not true for all.

2) Never, NEVER forget what it felt like to be a kid. To experience a harsh word, undue penalty, to be ignored, to be devalued for your thoughts, shamed for your perceived nonconformity or what it felt like to be praised for being you, and being lead to the answers instead being made to feel ashamed for not thinking of them yourself. Things like that. If you can remember those things you will be all the better as a parent.

When I think of parenting I also consider that God asks us to call Him Father. It is a strange title to take on, but one that in being a parent has given me a good deal of perspective about how God must see us as his children. Consequently there are a good number of insights to God to be gleaned simply by examining my own role as a parent.

I say this only to emphasize this point: I believe as a people so immersed within unbounding grace and love of our Father we tend to forget what it was we were saved from and who we were before we met Him.

There was a point in time that it seemed I could not find my way out of Genesis, and I still love it very much. When I consider the issue of sin in general, I think back to original sin and am reminded that sin, all sin, is the same at its base, an offense against God.

Sin always costs us something in one form or another, the consequences of some far more impacting than we might realize, and whose manifestations often come emerge slowly, just as sin is often times the result of a slow regression into depravity.

Although we would like to think otherwise, not all sin is left behind with a single miraculous life changing occurrence. Most often this is only the case upon our initial conversion as we address our most obvious and visible sins, but as we grow in maturity, we also slowly grow conscious of the far deeper internal issues we may have whose manifestations are not nearly as visible externally and whose root cause is not nearly as simple to define either.

Without addressing these root causes foremost, we are left to continue treating symptoms rather than curing the cause of them. This I believe in many cases is the nature of our struggle when we have sin issues that are recurring problems. These issues take far more time to resolve than a simple memorization of verses and habit correction, if they are truly to be removed from us as issues and we are then permitted to move forward.

All of this to go here; as a parent I recognize that when my child commits an act contrary to my will, which is really only in their best interest, I do not love them less as a result. In fact I may love them all the more as I work with them to understand the nature of their offense and the impact such actions will have on them both now and in the future. My own offense is rarely considered except perhaps to point out a life lesson in how we should treat people in general and as a lesson in forgiveness.

I do not hasten the natural consequence of their offense, and their offenses will often require that they make a mends of one sort or another. That said however, they may incur discipline imposed by me as a result of a willful rebellion, if that is the case. Additionally I find it best if they are able to come to me of their own choosing to confess their error rather than I being the one to confront them, however if the situations requires it is better that I confront them rather than leaving the issue unresolved, a learning opportunity is missed, and the issue is left to become more complex to resolve as a result of continuing in it.

This is the same approach I see throughout the Bible in God's approach to man's sins, and more specifically His approach to Adam and Eve with original sin and in His approach with us now. Christ was graceful and generous with his company, communications and blessings. He did not demand change before healing or forgiving, but change as a result there of.

Sin is in deed a serious matter when we consider it's price on our physical, mental and spiritual lives. It should not be viewed as anything less than it actually is, and should be addressed in a graceful loving manner. That said however we are not the ones to determine how conviction and healing will occur, for this alone is God's.

Our biggest problem comes however often comes not as a result of the inaccuracy of the message, but in the manner which it is communicated. The urgency or accuracy of our message will have no bearing to those, who by our method of communication our points, have stopped listening.

Allow me to say it this way, if my desire for my children is in deed the best, within the parameters of that we should find efforts toward their learning for their growth into maturity. Part of that growth will inevitably come by less than pleasant manners as we work together through discipline issues.

Unless my desire is for them to continue this line of behavior, I must speak to them gently in a non condemning (or non offensive) manner to understand why they have done whatever it is they have done and so that I can explain to them in terms they will understand why what they have done is wrong so they will see just why it is they should refrain in the future from repeating it.

If however my first line of recourse is simply to shame and scold them, while I yell in terms beyond their understanding, however good my intentions may be or the sincerity behind my rantings, I should expect no less than they would tune me out only to either refrain from repeating the offense from fear, which will eventually turn to rebellion, or to do so more carefully so as not to get caught. Either way the change that is affected isn't a good one and in fact worsens the situation as they then have reason to fear communicating honestly with me or coming to me for forgiveness and resolution. I have closed the door to the places I could have been of help.

This latter paragraph describes many times the approach I see in other Christians when dealing with the sin issues of others. Not matter how well intentioned they may be in conveying the seriousness of the situation it simply does not communicate the heart of the message to the recipient.

Here I will give two examples:

1) If I saw that you were running away from me and into perilous danger I might scream words of warning that could be misconstrued as words of anger, but I would probably try none the less.

2) If I saw a man standing on a ledge I would not yell words of warning to him for fear that he may inadvertently startle and plummet to his demise. I would approach him gently.

So too in life we must be very selective in our approach, being sensitive to the situation and condition of the persons we are addressing when we speak to sin issues, so that they may stop to consider the consequence of their actions instead of hastening them into them.

We must understand where they have come from to understand where they are at, and we must understand where they are at if we are intent on being available to affect change for the better.

Let's present it this way...

Stealing is wrong. No matter you belief system or religion I think we would all agree to this much.

Those who are caught stealing are subject to persecution. However one who may be stealing simply to enjoy luxuries that they would not buy, warrants a far different type of response than one that is caught stealing because they could not afford food for their family.

So does stealing become condoned in the latter case? No, stealing is stealing, but the motivation behind them is as different and the approach should be in addressing the situation.

Murder too is wrong and the crime scene may look very much the same of a man who murdered simply to do so as the one who did so in self defense or the defense of another. However without looking deeper into the situation we can only conclude that a murder has occurred.

Would we, should we take the same approach to all four parties? I believe not, but this is exactly what we do when making broad generalizations about the sins of others without understanding the causes behind them. Sin is sin, but the approach must be considered on a case by case basis for graceful resolve.

In looking back at the thief who stole for lack of resources rather than lack of character, I would imagine (hope) that were they to meet another person guilty of this same offense, their level of grace and compassion would be far greater than anyone who had not known the level of desperation that would trigger such an action. There is a great bond formed between those of mutual afflictions, and if one or the other had learned how to get out of such dire straits, I'm sure that answer would be shared.

If we who have found the answer to the problem of our offenses against God as God himself, wishing to impart that answer we must also return to the issue that all sin is just that, sin, an offense against God. Acknowledging that then we must confess that we are no better than those whose issues we somehow find to be worse than our own, so as to treat them ungracefully. We too have committed the same level of offense against God if we have committed any offense against God.

So then we who have been forgiven much must forgive much.

The nature of all sin being the same so the cost of forgiving that sin too is the same, and it is grace alone that can pick up that tab, as exemplified in the work of Christ on the cross who died once for all, even while we were yet sinners.

Our failure to extend that grace which we have been afforded is then nothing short of discrediting to that work. We become a hinderance to the light that should shine for all to see allowing them only to see the shadows we cast in aligning God's will with ours, our offense as His, and our agenda...well I think you get it. We are in effect equating ourselves to that of God, and that sort of self-righteousness is blindingly obvious to others even if we refuse to see it within ourselves.

We are not afforded God's love as a result of our change, we are afforded the ability to change as result of God's love.

The difference between construction and demolition, production and destruction is not generally found in the tools used, but in the manner they are used and in the skills of the craftsmen.

After all, we can't walk around setting people on fire, and expect to convince them that fire is good.

Hell

Even if that place, Hell, exists nowhere but here on earth, and fear moved us like love never could, isn't hell on earth enough to warrant avoiding? 

Hell, if only hell on earth, is the absence of love, specifically the recognition of God's love. His grace extended to us by virtue of His love for us and thus our extension of that love to others, because our recognition of His love for us warrants that we extend the same to others.

That is the closest to heaven on earth we can get, to be loved and to love. 

If we only do that much, acting out of love rather than fear, then maybe then our motive to act out of love will begin to eclipse our motive to act out of fear. A famous book once said "perfect love casts out all fear."

The House of Bricks

Sometimes we must be the people we're made to be rather than the people we simply are, in order to avoid further damage.

Observations of the American Jesus

I am the god of the American "christian".

I am America found in the balancing point,

created in the hearts of you who will not choose, bound by fear.

I am the common religion.

You worship at my altars morning, noon and night.

If you ever awakened from your american dreams,

you would need only open your eyes to see my presence

deeply rooted and intertwined within your lives.

Like a cancer, you dare not remove, I will kill you.

Do not confuse me with actual Jesus,

for I am the substitute that you have created and chosen over him.

I am not the Jesus you profess in polite conversations,

or the one talked about in the bible.

I am rather, the Jesus our culture shows me to be in practice.

You love me, because you first loved yourself.

I am not concerned with principals for living, 

for I work in the practicalities of life.

Yes, I am the Jesus you will find lurking just under the surface of good intentions.

I am the underlying motive.

I will wait out your convictions borne of guilt.

I will show you their folly and increase their burden,

and when you grow tired of them, I will offer relief, 

and remove their purpose from your memories.

I can be found among the religious,

the congregations,

and among your leaders,

but I am not biblical Jesus.

I am the $5 cup of coffee

in a world that dies from lack of water.

I am gluttony in a starving world.

Yes, I am the Jesus of prosperity and comfortable living.

The Jesus of self-gratification and qualifiers.

I am the Jesus of personal and political agendas.

I am the Jesus of big business and bottom lines, of profits over people.

I am everywhere....

and I am not concerned about being hidden

except to those who would look,

but in fear of facing themselves, very few dare to.

Yes, I am the American Jesus...

              …the one that people who don't know biblical Jesus experience everyday.

I am not a servant, 

neither am I humble or meek, 

I am loud and self serving.

You do not choose to see me,

but I am seen and heard quite clearly 

by those who do not pretend to fear.

It is the memory of me that will last far beyond that of actual Jesus for most...

American Jesus…

the one that people will recall most vividly,

for I am their last impression, 

their most recent interaction.

I am the idle chatter, 

the gossip, 

the slander.

I am the latest headline.

Should anyone dare to recall the biblical Jesus,

it is my bitter memory that will stop them from seeking him further.

I am the Jesus of fictional literature, and well written movies.

I am the distraction. 

I will not bore you, 

I will entertain you.

And when you cannot recall his teachings, 

you may use mine instead.

I am the Jesus that chooses the path of least resistance.

I preach equality, but choose prosperity.

I proclaims to have faith, but chooses security.

I am the magical granter of wishes, for whatever your heart desires.

I will put you on the guest list, and get you in the club.

I will give you elite and intellectual social circles, 

so you can flatter yourselves, by trading wisdom with knowledge.

I will provide for you the keys to success, 

instant integrity, and a built in client base...

             ...and for all of this, you need only mention my name in passing.

Neither repentance, forgiveness, or sacrifice do I ask you to extend,

except that it may further your own cause,

and I will not frighten you by speaking of hell,

except as a place for those that you can not pardon.

Your neighbors, your enemies,

anyone who may infringe upon your rights, your comforts and your feelings.

For I am not grace and mercy, I am justice and revenge.

I will justify your hate, as you speak of love.

I will tell you that all truth is subjective, all views are valid,

and all paths lead to God, but that yours alone is correct.

I will endorse the assertions of your bias and opinions as truth,

you need only attribute them to me.

I allow you to judge while condemning judgment.

I will allow you to lie, cheat, steal, and exploit the hardships of others, 

whatever benefits you,

while at the same time allowing you to be shocked and amazed 

when others do the same.

Yes, I am the American Jesus...

you passively protest my presence,

on blogs and Facebook notes, in the lives of others, 

...and yet the thought of a life without me will strike a deep unshakeable, paralyzing fear.

I offer no conviction by imposing absolute standards in the matters of morals and ethics.

So, I will allow you to rest easy,

knowing that you are as good 

if not better than those around you,

and that is good enough.

I will tell you that you are wise, and self sufficient,

but lacking in the material objects that will bring you happiness and beauty.

I will turn your desires in to necessities,

and you will sacrifice your life and relationships to meet those needs.

But if you feel you are lacking or become discouraged,

I will remind you of your riches, 

by showing you pictures of people in far away places,

people who suffer so that you may prosper,

and I will ease your conscience when you give sparingly to their cause.

I will offer the security of salvation,

and will satisfy your pride by allowing you to earn it.

No, I am not biblical Jesus, I'm better,

for I require nothing and yet everything,

while offering everything and yet nothing.

I am the dream Jesus. 

The one that you wish existed,

the only one you desire enough to pursue.

I will tell you the lies you so wish to hear...

Make no mistake, for I am your real religion, 

and I will tell you that you can have it both ways.

I am the American Jesus, 

the one who's glory you seek foremost, 

for we are one.

Yes, I am the one whose will you fulfill...

                                                           ...for I am you.

d(-_-)b

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ConfiDense

A current lack of confidence can almost always be traced to some previous overconfidence.

-namasdave

Two Can Sam

You're never too old. 

It's never too late.

Both untrue, and when they are true, they are most often intertwined.

-namasdave

I Mist Again

I truly regret all the life I've missed while I was figuring out how to live.

It's True

People say I have a certain Gen X sais quoi.

What?

What is the sound of one hand washing?  

Yoda Pants

I hate it when girls wear yoga pants because I know I could never have that kind of self confidence.

Going The Distance

The distance between souls cannot be measured by the distance between bodies.

-namasdave

The End of the Beginning, the Beginning of the End

It's strange to think that I'm now the least I've ever been, and likely more than I'll ever be again. 

It is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.

 -namasdave

3s

There is a strength in silence that comes without solice.

Future Tense

I don't want to give up, but I do have to wonder if giving up would be more or less difficult than holding out hope.

I'm a fucking idiot and I'm sure time will prove me right.

Body and Soul

It's a difficult thing to wake up every morning and know more about what's not going to happen, than what will. To know you're not that guy anymore. To not know how to be or if you'll be ever again.

It's a difficult thing to wake up every morning and know that the one thing you need, the one thing you absolutely must do, is to talk yourself out of your own unwarranted optimism, and accept that what never was, will never be. A day long conversation with yourself that is had every single day. It is soul crushing.

It's a difficult thing to know that by most standards life is apparently great, and in most ways it is. But the distance between souls cannot be measured by the distance between bodies. It is not seen by the eyes, but by the heart.

It's difficult to keep hope alive, when there is no welcome discussion of emotional depth and no apparent change to indicate progress forward or otherwise. It is to be untouchable, and to crave touch all at once.

It is an easy thing however to use THC, vodka, and crime shows fill the gaps, to fill the silence and perpetuate it at the same time... the stillness, that is somehow to be counted as progress.

Imagination

Imagine you aren't allowed to express your feelings to the person closest to you.

Imagine going to bed next to the only one you've ever wanted, know that they don't want you.

Imagine knowing that you never again see that look in your lover's eye.

Imagine knowing you've lost that chance and that maybe that one miraculous day it returns, your too old, it's too late.

Imagine spending most of your life with someone, knowing they never truly let you in, so you don't really know them, not really.

Imagine knowing that to their mind you are the very source of their lifetime's worth of discontent and misery.

Imagine you aren't allowed to express your feelings to the person closest to you.

Imagine they, in all reality, they don't actually want to know.

As Far as Humans Go

Is it foolish to hope for the future, something has never been in the past? 

I mean only so far as humans go.

What I do, I do for me.

"What I do, I do for me." 

Someone once said that to me. 

At first I was shocked.

Then I considered what wisdom might be found in those words. 

I suppose for certain "healthy" people, this might be a train of thought well worth the pursuit.

If I'm honest, thinking back over the events of my life, I'm not sure if any of what I did was to be self motivated (beyond intrinsic survival instinct). 

I'm not honestly sure what I would have done that was constructive, if anything at all. 

I have always had responsibilities, real or imagined, physical or mental, someone else was depending on me to be or do something that I somehow thought was meaningful and so did gladly. Rarely was it truly meaningful in the way I thought it was supposed to be.

Whatever I might point to as self-motivated choices, were in hindsight the most self-destructive choices I've ever made.

I've only rarely experienced a moment a glimpse of myself as potentially being alright, fleeting moments, but they do exist.

I know that I am the result of grace and the people around me. That is entirely what has gotten me this far.

So, for now, (I will I try to at least) make more of what I do be more for me. I will try to treat myself the way I might treat even a stranger. 

It will never be an absolute, simply because it can never be.

View Askew

It seems contradictory to tell one's self they are worthy of love. Isn't he whole nature of loving and being loved contradictory to the notion of bestowing and receiving love based on ones worthiness?

Whenever I've been given this advice from my professional friends ( aka therapists) I just can't seem to fathom the concept of it.Yet I am told to repeat that mantra.

Why? 

I am only myself. If I am loved the assessment of my worthiness really has little to nothing to with it.

Am I wrong? Is my view askew? What am I missing here?

-namasdave

Speak My Language

What is there to do when the one you desire has made it clear they don't feel the same?

I suppose the best I can do is be myself and even if I knew what that meant, history has shown that is always too much, or not enough, whatever it is, it's not working and it never has.

To be spoken to in one's native language must be a lovely thing indeed.

Meme, Myself, and Aye

By my naivety or ignorance but never willingly, my greatest regret is that I've only ever been able to be myself, for I am both too much and not enough all at once, and I have been told outright on many an occasion. So that I am never in the position to be the person I am not (but would love to have been) and thus receive what I have always most desperately desire, in the moments I desire it most.

I feel bound to adhere to my long history of willingly choosing hopelessness over hope, in order to avoid facing the disappointment and result of who I feel I am in reality to those closest to me.

A word to the wise.... Avoid me, for I am not who you imagine me to be. I am far worse than you could possibly imagine, silently if not out loud.

I don't need to feel better, I just need to feel nothing. 

I don't know how else to cope.

-namasdave

Anti Matter

The more I tell myself it shouldn't matter, and it doesn't matter, the more I realize that deep down it really does matter, to me at least. What else can I say when in the grand scheme it's just me and my feelings that really don't matter. At least it doesn't seem to affect anything.

What I do, I do for myself.

That's what I was told.

So where am I in all of this?

To have a healthy appetite without me on the menu? 

To be declared unattractive.

To be told that I am the one because that's the only real option.

To be told perhaps I was never really attractive.

To know that simple mechanics can accomplish what I am not allowed or afforded.

So then, what am I anymore?