[Written May 2012]
I grew up in a home where the concept of God was non-existent. While I'm sure it wasn't a home void of love it certainly wasn't filled with what one who has a healthy concept of love might recognize as such. I'm sure my parents did the best they could with what faculties and upbringing they had been afforded, but it was dysfunctional at best and abusive on every level at worst.
I see in hindsight that God was with me throughout my childhood, for the very fact that I made it through and only as dysfunctional as I am. At the time of my conversion however I could not have understood all the lofty theology that explained unmerited grace, mercy, or even the most basic of concepts.
I was what I have heard since referred to as an EGR kid (Extra Grace Required), and having come from that background this is where my heart lies for those EGR people who may seek the answers truth provides. For I too still am an EGR person, however what I once tried to hide as weakness in my youth I now embrace as strength in my later years. I digress...
I did not come to Christ through a series of theological bludgeonings from a book which I had no knowledge, nor did I come to know him by being shown the ungrace and merciless beratings I had known in my home life.
I came to know and accept Jesus because His love was exemplified to me through a very few and select of his people. I knew this his love was something I desired to experience and pass along.
There is much more to the story, but there is no need to share more here except one more thing.
This revelation, this relationship started for me in my adolescent years. I could not have known what this relationship would become, but I was determined that my commitment would be one that I would honor to the best of my abilities. It took many years of failure in relying on my own strengths and perspectives before I realized that I was in fact missing the point entirely. Again by God's mercy and grace shown through his peoples' longsuffering with me through this very long period of trial and error, I eventually came to understand the weakness of my own strength and glory of God's.
Fast forward...
Whenever people ask me for parenting advice, I tell them the only two things I feel confident will be applicable:
1) Kids are people. They are not you or your spouse although they may be part of both, they are in the end persons of freewill and will act as such. Consequently you must know your child to understand how to best express your love and disciplines in a manner that will be effective for them. What is true for one is not true for all.
2) Never, NEVER forget what it felt like to be a kid. To experience a harsh word, undue penalty, to be ignored, to be devalued for your thoughts, shamed for your perceived nonconformity or what it felt like to be praised for being you, and being lead to the answers instead being made to feel ashamed for not thinking of them yourself. Things like that. If you can remember those things you will be all the better as a parent.
When I think of parenting I also consider that God asks us to call Him Father. It is a strange title to take on, but one that in being a parent has given me a good deal of perspective about how God must see us as his children. Consequently there are a good number of insights to God to be gleaned simply by examining my own role as a parent.
I say this only to emphasize this point: I believe as a people so immersed within unbounding grace and love of our Father we tend to forget what it was we were saved from and who we were before we met Him.
There was a point in time that it seemed I could not find my way out of Genesis, and I still love it very much. When I consider the issue of sin in general, I think back to original sin and am reminded that sin, all sin, is the same at its base, an offense against God.
Sin always costs us something in one form or another, the consequences of some far more impacting than we might realize, and whose manifestations often come emerge slowly, just as sin is often times the result of a slow regression into depravity.
Although we would like to think otherwise, not all sin is left behind with a single miraculous life changing occurrence. Most often this is only the case upon our initial conversion as we address our most obvious and visible sins, but as we grow in maturity, we also slowly grow conscious of the far deeper internal issues we may have whose manifestations are not nearly as visible externally and whose root cause is not nearly as simple to define either.
Without addressing these root causes foremost, we are left to continue treating symptoms rather than curing the cause of them. This I believe in many cases is the nature of our struggle when we have sin issues that are recurring problems. These issues take far more time to resolve than a simple memorization of verses and habit correction, if they are truly to be removed from us as issues and we are then permitted to move forward.
All of this to go here; as a parent I recognize that when my child commits an act contrary to my will, which is really only in their best interest, I do not love them less as a result. In fact I may love them all the more as I work with them to understand the nature of their offense and the impact such actions will have on them both now and in the future. My own offense is rarely considered except perhaps to point out a life lesson in how we should treat people in general and as a lesson in forgiveness.
I do not hasten the natural consequence of their offense, and their offenses will often require that they make a mends of one sort or another. That said however, they may incur discipline imposed by me as a result of a willful rebellion, if that is the case. Additionally I find it best if they are able to come to me of their own choosing to confess their error rather than I being the one to confront them, however if the situations requires it is better that I confront them rather than leaving the issue unresolved, a learning opportunity is missed, and the issue is left to become more complex to resolve as a result of continuing in it.
This is the same approach I see throughout the Bible in God's approach to man's sins, and more specifically His approach to Adam and Eve with original sin and in His approach with us now. Christ was graceful and generous with his company, communications and blessings. He did not demand change before healing or forgiving, but change as a result there of.
Sin is in deed a serious matter when we consider it's price on our physical, mental and spiritual lives. It should not be viewed as anything less than it actually is, and should be addressed in a graceful loving manner. That said however we are not the ones to determine how conviction and healing will occur, for this alone is God's.
Our biggest problem comes however often comes not as a result of the inaccuracy of the message, but in the manner which it is communicated. The urgency or accuracy of our message will have no bearing to those, who by our method of communication our points, have stopped listening.
Allow me to say it this way, if my desire for my children is in deed the best, within the parameters of that we should find efforts toward their learning for their growth into maturity. Part of that growth will inevitably come by less than pleasant manners as we work together through discipline issues.
Unless my desire is for them to continue this line of behavior, I must speak to them gently in a non condemning (or non offensive) manner to understand why they have done whatever it is they have done and so that I can explain to them in terms they will understand why what they have done is wrong so they will see just why it is they should refrain in the future from repeating it.
If however my first line of recourse is simply to shame and scold them, while I yell in terms beyond their understanding, however good my intentions may be or the sincerity behind my rantings, I should expect no less than they would tune me out only to either refrain from repeating the offense from fear, which will eventually turn to rebellion, or to do so more carefully so as not to get caught. Either way the change that is affected isn't a good one and in fact worsens the situation as they then have reason to fear communicating honestly with me or coming to me for forgiveness and resolution. I have closed the door to the places I could have been of help.
This latter paragraph describes many times the approach I see in other Christians when dealing with the sin issues of others. Not matter how well intentioned they may be in conveying the seriousness of the situation it simply does not communicate the heart of the message to the recipient.
Here I will give two examples:
1) If I saw that you were running away from me and into perilous danger I might scream words of warning that could be misconstrued as words of anger, but I would probably try none the less.
2) If I saw a man standing on a ledge I would not yell words of warning to him for fear that he may inadvertently startle and plummet to his demise. I would approach him gently.
So too in life we must be very selective in our approach, being sensitive to the situation and condition of the persons we are addressing when we speak to sin issues, so that they may stop to consider the consequence of their actions instead of hastening them into them.
We must understand where they have come from to understand where they are at, and we must understand where they are at if we are intent on being available to affect change for the better.
Let's present it this way...
Stealing is wrong. No matter you belief system or religion I think we would all agree to this much.
Those who are caught stealing are subject to persecution. However one who may be stealing simply to enjoy luxuries that they would not buy, warrants a far different type of response than one that is caught stealing because they could not afford food for their family.
So does stealing become condoned in the latter case? No, stealing is stealing, but the motivation behind them is as different and the approach should be in addressing the situation.
Murder too is wrong and the crime scene may look very much the same of a man who murdered simply to do so as the one who did so in self defense or the defense of another. However without looking deeper into the situation we can only conclude that a murder has occurred.
Would we, should we take the same approach to all four parties? I believe not, but this is exactly what we do when making broad generalizations about the sins of others without understanding the causes behind them. Sin is sin, but the approach must be considered on a case by case basis for graceful resolve.
In looking back at the thief who stole for lack of resources rather than lack of character, I would imagine (hope) that were they to meet another person guilty of this same offense, their level of grace and compassion would be far greater than anyone who had not known the level of desperation that would trigger such an action. There is a great bond formed between those of mutual afflictions, and if one or the other had learned how to get out of such dire straits, I'm sure that answer would be shared.
If we who have found the answer to the problem of our offenses against God as God himself, wishing to impart that answer we must also return to the issue that all sin is just that, sin, an offense against God. Acknowledging that then we must confess that we are no better than those whose issues we somehow find to be worse than our own, so as to treat them ungracefully. We too have committed the same level of offense against God if we have committed any offense against God.
So then we who have been forgiven much must forgive much.
The nature of all sin being the same so the cost of forgiving that sin too is the same, and it is grace alone that can pick up that tab, as exemplified in the work of Christ on the cross who died once for all, even while we were yet sinners.
Our failure to extend that grace which we have been afforded is then nothing short of discrediting to that work. We become a hinderance to the light that should shine for all to see allowing them only to see the shadows we cast in aligning God's will with ours, our offense as His, and our agenda...well I think you get it. We are in effect equating ourselves to that of God, and that sort of self-righteousness is blindingly obvious to others even if we refuse to see it within ourselves.
We are not afforded God's love as a result of our change, we are afforded the ability to change as result of God's love.
The difference between construction and demolition, production and destruction is not generally found in the tools used, but in the manner they are used and in the skills of the craftsmen.
After all, we can't walk around setting people on fire, and expect to convince them that fire is good.
