Of Carpenters and Firestarters

A very heartfelt thanks to Jed, who gave this much more clarity and made it much more concise than my typical posts. You'll know what I mean when you read it.

It's long, to be sure but hang in there, I believe it's very much worth seeing through.

When I came to know Christ it was as Savior first and then Lord.

I grew up in a home where the concept of God was non-existent. While I'm sure it wasn't a home void of love it certainly wasn't filled with what one who has a healthy concept of love might recognize as such. I'm sure my parents did the best they could with what faculties and upbringing they had been afforded, but it was dysfunctional at best and abusive on every level at worst.

I see in hindsight that God was with me throughout my childhood, for the very fact that I made it through and only as dysfunctional as I am. At the time of my conversion however I could not have understood all the lofty theology that explained unmerited grace, mercy, or even the most basic of concepts.

I was what I have heard since referred to as an EGR kid (Extra Grace Required), and having come from that background this is where my heart lies: for those EGR people who may seek the answers truth provides. For I too am still an EGR person. However, what I once tried to hide as weakness in my youth, I now embrace as strength in my later years. But I digress...

I did not come to Christ through a series of theological beatings from a book of which I had no knowledge. Nor did I come to know him by being shown the un-grace and merciless berating I had known in my home life.

I came to know and accept Jesus because His love was exemplified to me through a very few and select number of his people. And I learned this from those people: that his love was something I desired to experience and pass along.

While there is much more to that story, I only need to share one part of it here.

This revelation, this relationship, started for me in my adolescent years. I could not have known what it would become, but I was determined that my commitment would be one that I would honor to the best of my abilities. It took many years of failure, many years of relying on my own strengths and perspectives, before I realized that I was, in fact, missing the point entirely. Again, by God's mercy and grace, shown through the longsuffering of His people with me through this very long period of trial and error, I eventually came to understand the weakness of my own strength and glory the of God's.

Fast forward...

Whenever people ask me for parenting advice, I tell them the only two things I feel confident will be applicable:

1) Kids are people. They are not you or your spouse. Although they may be part of both, they are, in the end, persons of freewill, and they will act as such. Consequently, you must know your child to understand how to best express your love and discipline in a manner that will be effective for them. What is true for one is not true for all.

2) Never, NEVER forget what it felt like to be a kid. Always remember how it felt to experience a harsh word or undue penalty. Remember how it felt to be ignored or devalued for your thoughts, even shamed for your perceived non-conformity. And remember what it felt like to be praised for being you and how you felt after being led to the answers instead of being made to feel ashamed for not finding them on your own. These things are important. If you can remember them you will be a much better parent.

When I think of parenting, I also consider that God asks us to call Him Father. It is a strange title to take, but one that being a parent has given me a good deal of perspective regarding how God must see us as his children. Consequently there are a good number of insights into the character of God to be gleaned simply by examining my own role as a parent.

I say this only to emphasize this point: I believe that because we are a people so immersed within the limitless grace and love of our Father, we tend to forget what it was we were saved from and who we were before we met Him.

There was a time that it seemed I could not find my way out of Genesis, and I still love it very much. When I consider the issue of sin in general, I think back to original sin and am reminded that sin, all sin, is the same at its base. It is an offense against God. (Consider this: original sin is man saying to God, “I know better than You.”)

Sin always costs us something in one form or another. The consequence of some sin is far more impacting than we might realize, and its manifestation often emerges slowly, just as sin itself is often times the result of a slow regression into depravity.

Although we would like to think otherwise, not all sin is left behind with a single miraculous life changing occurrence. Most often this is only the case upon our initial conversion as we address our most obvious and visible sins, but as we grow in maturity, we also slowly grow conscious of the far deeper internal issues we may have whose manifestations are not nearly as visible externally and whose root causes are not nearly as simple to define either.

Without addressing these root causes, we are left to continue treating symptoms rather than curing the cause. 

This, I believe, in many cases, is the nature of our struggle when we have sin issues that are manifested as recurring problems. These issues, if they are to be truly removed from us as issues, and if we are to be able to move forward, take far more to resolve than simple memorization of verses and habit correction.

I say all of that to say this: as a parent I recognize that when my child commits an act contrary to my will, which is really only in their best interest, I do not love them less as a result. In fact I may love them all the more as I work with them to understand the nature of their offense and the impact such actions will have on them both now and in the future. My own offense is rarely considered except perhaps to point out a life lesson in how we should treat people in general and as a lesson in forgiveness.

I do not hasten the natural consequence of their offense, and their offenses will often require that they make amends of one sort or another. That said, however, they may incur discipline imposed by me as a result of a willful rebellion, if that is the case. Additionally I find it best if they are able to come to me of their own volition to confess their error rather than I being the one to confront them. But if the situation dictates that it is better to confront them rather than leaving the issue unresolved, then I confront so that a learning opportunity isn’t missed, and the issue isn’t left to become more difficult to resolve as a result of allowing them to continue in it.

This is the same approach I see throughout the Bible in God's approach to man's sins, and more specifically, in His approach to Adam and Eve with original sin and in His approach with us now. Christ was graceful and generous with his company, communications and blessings. He did not demand change before healing or forgiving, but change as a result of healing and forgiveness.

Sin is indeed a serious matter when we consider its price on our physical, mental and spiritual lives. It should not be viewed as anything less than it actually is, and should be addressed in a graceful loving manner. That being said, we are not the ones to determine how conviction and healing will occur, for this alone is God's work.

Our biggest problem often comes not as a result of the inaccuracy of the message, but with the manner in which it is communicated. The urgency or accuracy of our message will have no bearing to those who, because of our method of communicating our points, have stopped listening.

Allow me to say it this way: if my desire for my children is indeed for the best, then within the parameters of that desire I should make efforts toward their learning for their growth into maturity. Part of that growth will inevitably come by less than pleasant measures as we work together through discipline issues.

Unless my desire is for them to continue this negative line of behavior, I must speak to them gently, in a non-condemning (or non-offensive) manner, so that I can understand why they have done whatever it is they have done. As a result, I will be able to explain to them, in terms that they will understand, why what they have done is wrong so they will see just why it is they should refrain from repeating it in the future.

But if my first line of recourse is simply to shame and scold them while I yell in terms beyond their understanding, it doesn’t matter how good my intentions are or the sincerity behind my ranting. I should expect no less than for them to tune me out and to refrain from repeating the offense out of fear of my reaction, which eventually leads to rebellion, or to repeat the offense more carefully, so as not to get caught. Either way the change that results isn't a good one and, in fact, worsens the situation as they then have reason to fear communicating honestly with me or coming to me for forgiveness and resolution. I have closed the door to the places I could have been of help.

This latter paragraph describes the approach I often see in other Christians when dealing with the sin issues of others. No matter how well intentioned they may be in conveying the seriousness of the situation, it simply does not communicate the heart of the message to the recipient.

Here I will give two examples:

1) If I saw that you were running away from me and into perilous danger I might scream words of warning. Those words could possibly be misconstrued as words of anger, but I would probably try none the less.

2) If I saw a man standing on a ledge I would not yell words of warning to him for fear that he may inadvertently startle and plummet to his demise. I would approach him gently.

In life we must be very selective in our approach. We must be sensitive to the situation and condition of the persons we are addressing when we speak to sin issues. We do this to encourage them to stop and consider the consequences of their actions and so that we don’t become a reason for them to hasten into said actions.

We must understand where they have come from in order to understand where they are, and we must understand where they are if we are intent on being available to affect change for the better.

Let's present it this way...

Stealing is wrong. No matter your belief system or religion I think we would all agree to this much.

Those who are caught stealing are subject to persecution. However, one who may be stealing simply to enjoy luxuries that they would not buy warrants a far different type of response than one that is caught stealing because they could not afford food for their family.

Does stealing become condoned in the latter case? No, stealing is stealing. But the motivation behind each case is different and the approach should be different as well in addressing the situation.

Murder is also wrong. The crime scene of a man who murdered simply to murder may look very much the same as that of a man who killed in self-defense or in the defense of another. But without looking deeper into the situation we can only conclude that a murder has occurred.

Would we or should we take the same approach to all four parties? I believe not, but this is exactly what we do when we make broad generalizations about the sins of others without understanding the causes behind them. 

Sin is sin, but the approach must be considered on a case by case basis for graceful resolve.

In looking back at the thief who stole for lack of resources rather than lack of character, I would imagine (hope) that were they to meet another person guilty of this same offense, their level of grace and compassion would be far greater than anyone who had not known the level of desperation that triggers such an action. There is a great bond formed between those of mutual afflictions, and if one or the other had learned how to get out of such dire straits, I'm sure that answer would be shared.

If we, who have found the answer to the problem of our offenses against God as God himself, wish to impart that knowledge to others, we must return to the issue that all sin is just that. It is sin, an offense against God.

Acknowledging this truth, we must then confess that we are no better than those whose issues we somehow find to be worse than our own, which results in our treating them without grace. We too have committed the same level of offense against God simply by committing any offense against God.

So then we who have been forgiven much must forgive much.

Since the nature of all sin is the same, so the cost of forgiving that sin is the same. And it is grace alone that can pick up that tab, as exemplified in the work of Christ who died on the cross once for all, even while we were yet sinners.

Our failure to extend that grace which we have been afforded is, then, nothing short of discrediting to that work. We become a hindrance to the light that should shine for all to see allowing them only to see the shadows we cast in aligning God's will with ours, our offense as His, and our agenda...well I think you get my point. We are, in effect, equating ourselves to God, and that sort of self-righteousness is blindingly obvious to others even if we refuse to see it within ourselves.

We are not afforded God's love as a result of our change; we are afforded the ability to change as result of God's love.

The difference between construction and demolition, production and destruction is not generally found in the tools used, but in the manner they are used and in the skills of the craftsmen.

After all, we can't walk around setting people on fire, and expect to convince them that fire is good.

d(-_-)b