An Answer is Not the Answer

More accuratley what life with women has taught me about the human condition and communications.

Listen:
Don't think about your response in advance, where things went wrong, who or what is to blame, or how to solve anything. Listen, like it will never be your turn to speak.

NEVER look for your opportunity to speak:
You cannot listen and do this at the same time. That lack of attention will not be unnoticed and it says, "I don't really care.".

Understanding is far more important than being understood:
Ask personal questions, not situational, then again, listen.
If you can sincerely relate, or empathize from personal experience say so, but only after they are done speaking or at a natural pause. Be sincere. Be transparent. Be vulnerable.

You are both people but you are not the same people:
Never assume that your situation is/ was the same as theirs. You are different people with different lives, that should be enough to let you know that your answer may not be theirs.

When emotions are raw, offense comes easily:
Any answer given before full and attentive listening is often the best way to alienate people in a time of need. You will have replaced caring with judgement, however inadvertant, it is not always the thought that counts.

An Answer is Not the Answer:
If you found a way out in your particular experience, or have insight about how things might better find a way to express them as possible options to consider. The decision to accept or reject your suggestions is their decision alone. There may be factors at play you will never be aware of and how they cope says more about where they are at with the situation more than where they are at with you.

Remember it's not about you, it's about them:
Because your conversation has ended doesn't mean your opportunity to help has.

Initiate unprompted follow up and ask how they are doing.

Think about what helped you (or what would have helped you) and do that for them. A simple act of kindness goes a very long way, but don't place any importance on receiving credit for those things, that undermines the value of them.

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