The End of the Beginning, the Beginning of the End

It's strange to think that I'm now the least I've ever been, and likely more than I'll ever be again. 

It is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.

 -namasdave

3s

There is a strength in silence that comes without solice.

Future Tense

I don't want to give up, but I do have to wonder if giving up would be more or less difficult than holding out hope.

I'm a fucking idiot and I'm sure time will prove me right.

Body and Soul

It's a difficult thing to wake up every morning and know more about what's not going to happen, than what will. To know you're not that guy anymore. To not know how to be or if you'll be ever again.

It's a difficult thing to wake up every morning and know that the one thing you need, the one thing you absolutely must do, is to talk yourself out of your own unwarranted optimism, and accept that what never was, will never be. A day long conversation with yourself that is had every single day. It is soul crushing.

It's a difficult thing to know that by most standards life is apparently great, and in most ways it is. But the distance between souls cannot be measured by the distance between bodies. It is not seen by the eyes, but by the heart.

It's difficult to keep hope alive, when there is no welcome discussion of emotional depth and no apparent change to indicate progress forward or otherwise. It is to be untouchable, and to crave touch all at once.

It is an easy thing however to use THC, vodka, and crime shows fill the gaps, to fill the silence and perpetuate it at the same time... the stillness, that is somehow to be counted as progress.

Imagination

Imagine you aren't allowed to express your feelings to the person closest to you.

Imagine going to bed next to the only one you've ever wanted, know that they don't want you.

Imagine knowing that you never again see that look in your lover's eye.

Imagine knowing you've lost that chance and that maybe that one miraculous day it returns, your too old, it's too late.

Imagine spending most of your life with someone, knowing they never truly let you in, so you don't really know them, not really.

Imagine knowing that to their mind you are the very source of their lifetime's worth of discontent and misery.

Imagine you aren't allowed to express your feelings to the person closest to you.

Imagine they, in all reality, they don't actually want to know.

As Far as Humans Go

Is it foolish to hope for the future, something has never been in the past? 

I mean only so far as humans go.

What I do, I do for me.

"What I do, I do for me." 

Someone once said that to me. 

At first I was shocked.

Then I considered what wisdom might be found in those words. 

I suppose for certain "healthy" people, this might be a train of thought well worth the pursuit.

If I'm honest, thinking back over the events of my life, I'm not sure if any of what I did was to be self motivated (beyond intrinsic survival instinct). 

I'm not honestly sure what I would have done that was constructive, if anything at all. 

I have always had responsibilities, real or imagined, physical or mental, someone else was depending on me to be or do something that I somehow thought was meaningful and so did gladly. Rarely was it truly meaningful in the way I thought it was supposed to be.

Whatever I might point to as self-motivated choices, were in hindsight the most self-destructive choices I've ever made.

I've only rarely experienced a moment a glimpse of myself as potentially being alright, fleeting moments, but they do exist.

I know that I am the result of grace and the people around me. That is entirely what has gotten me this far.

So, for now, (I will I try to at least) make more of what I do be more for me. I will try to treat myself the way I might treat even a stranger. 

It will never be an absolute, simply because it can never be.