When is it my turn to vote?

giving up seemgly futile pursuits to avoid disappointment is probably a relationship killer, but I don't know what else I can do anymore.

It's not, and has never been up to me.

Secs

As a weapon

As a bargaining chip

As validation

As a fix

As though it was earned

It is none of these

And all of them at once

Irony

Ironically, the crops of organic farmers don't happen organically. They're made to happen though intentional efforts and planning... 

Same for relationships too sometimes.

-namasdave

Sofa King Tired

I'm tired

Tired of being me

Tired of being confused

Tired of never knowing what I'm supposed to do

Tired of not knowing what it all means or 

where I'm supposed to fit in, in all of this chaos.

Tired of not belonging

Of feeling needed more than wanted

Tired of feeling like I'm the bad guy in every story

Tired of being the one who's always just fucked up

I'm tired

and mostly I'm tired of being lonely

Having no one to reach out to me like they wanted me as much as I want them.

Tired of never having been enough

Tired of knowing at this point, I probably never will be

All I want is to feel immersed in love and acceptance

To feel like someone believes in me

That maybe it's not too late to do something

That must be a wonderful feeling 

I didn't my know how will all end

But eventually all good things and otherwise will inevitably end

And life will simply be what I did before I died.

I'm more scared and depressed than anyone can imagine

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm writing anymore, except that it's the one thing  I can do to slow downward spiral of my thoughts.

Rap Boy Rap

All is not forgiven if I'm still paying penance.

30

If our future is determined by our past then I have to believe that I am not enough now and that I will never truly be enough, because I only now see that enough is something I never have been previously.

Square Peg

Like a square peg, in a round hole

I am too much and too little all at once

Turns out I always have been

I just didn't want to believe it

The Hole of My Life

I think yesterday was probably the worst day I've ever had.

It was soul crushing, and I am completely undone.

I can't even beging to  know how to move forward either with communications or initiating intimacy.

Im not sorry I've been so honest, but I'm also not sure how long I can endure the torture of facing my past and present self. Even if only by virtue of proxy, it is tough to be surrounded by the people I've hurt most, knowing that most of the stories told of our past, will likely include how okay everyone else was at the time, while I was (and probably will always be) the fucked up one.

It was a great reminder though that 30 years of damage and bad habits are apparently not undone via efforts or chemicals. It was also a great reminder that:

1- You show someone what they aren't willing to see.

2- No one is responsible for what you feel or do. That blame, that responsibility lies solely on you.

I've "known" this for quite a while, but now it's time for me to put it to practice.

It does leave me perplexed however. I feel like I can smell the dirt of my grave more clearly than ever, that my time may no longer be in the distant future, unimaginably closer than I ever dared to consider. I more terrified than I can show that I might die having never been able to truly live.

I have been more open and honest than I've ever dared to be in the whole of my life, and although it's probably part of the healing process and won't be undone, no matter how badly I wish it, it still hurts me everyday.

The want to feel needed

And the need to feel wanted

Though the memories fade

The heart remains haunted

Man vs. Machine

Can the machine that replaced the role of a human ever be filled by that human once more?

I don't know...