The Hole of My Life

I think yesterday was probably the worst day I've ever had.

It was soul crushing, and I am completely undone.

I can't even beging to  know how to move forward either with communications or initiating intimacy.

Im not sorry I've been so honest, but I'm also not sure how long I can endure the torture of facing my past and present self. Even if only by virtue of proxy, it is tough to be surrounded by the people I've hurt most, knowing that most of the stories told of our past, will likely include how okay everyone else was at the time, while I was (and probably will always be) the fucked up one.

It was a great reminder though that 30 years of damage and bad habits are apparently not undone via efforts or chemicals. It was also a great reminder that:

1- You show someone what they aren't willing to see.

2- No one is responsible for what you feel or do. That blame, that responsibility lies solely on you.

I've "known" this for quite a while, but now it's time for me to put it to practice.

It does leave me perplexed however. I feel like I can smell the dirt of my grave more clearly than ever, that my time may no longer be in the distant future, unimaginably closer than I ever dared to consider. I more terrified than I can show that I might die having never been able to truly live.

I have been more open and honest than I've ever dared to be in the whole of my life, and although it's probably part of the healing process and won't be undone, no matter how badly I wish it, it still hurts me everyday.