You left without saying good bye

Tuesday evening I received a gift of great magnitude from a friend of mine. It was profound and touched me deeper than words can express, but I will try here to tell you of it.

My biggest regret is that he isn't alive so that I can thank him for it.

My family and I just spent the evening with Derek's mom, sister and Mel.

They are doing better than I would have expected as they are in town to pack up his stuff.

We met at Cracker Barrel for coffee and desert, and although I suppose I should have expected it had I given it much thought, I really wasn't quite ready to go down memory lane about him. I guess I really don't know what I thought we would do or talk about, but discussing the one thing we had in common, the one thing that had brought us together, wasn't something I was really prepared for.

Our relationship with Derek was (from what I can tell) very different in nature from that which many seemed to have had with him. We didn't drink to excess, party, or do drugs. We didn't get tattoos, get caught in strange situations or foreign places.

He was most often just a guest at our house, for evenings or nights. We would eat dinner together, talk, have beer or two, maybe sit by the fire. But mostly we just talked.

He loved my family and we loved him. Our relationship was the result of, what I would call at times, one of many in my character defects. The immediate feeling that someone will or will not be my friend. I knew when I first met him we would be long time friends in some way or another.

I could not have known how long, or what level. Or even what impact he would have on me, and just how much a part of our lives he would become over time. He was a loyal friend and great support in difficult times.

Derek was flighty by virtue of his addictions and his own character defects I suppose. We all have them. So we would only ever see him sporadically and on his terms mostly. Probably out of love and respect, but he did not come around when he was under the influence as far as I could ever tell.

He meant a lot to me, us. He felt life more deeply than most, and as with many people who feel so deeply he struggled simply to live life and be happy often times. Eventually this struggle took his life.

Although he lived recklessly and not without regret, he was exactly who he was without apology and it was all out there for anyone who cared to see it.

That in my opinion and experience is a rare thing to actually encounter,  a thing to be appreciated and embraced when found in another. It was surely found in him.

I would like to have been a better friend to him somehow, but it was never an option that I, or a lot of people apparently, were ever really afforded. That's Derek I guess.

As we talked about Derek, his mom, sister and Mel began telling us about the times that Derek had spent with our family. 

You should know, that prior to this night I had not known or spoken to any of the three people I was now with and so it struck me as odd that they knew so much of us and our relationship with Derek.

As with so many of my friends, I never considered myself to be much of a friend, not to the depth I would like to be at least.

I told a few people of this regret, who knew Derek, and they noted otherwise to me, but this night it was not words that moved me to understand that in fact I/we meant something much more to him, than we ever knew during his life.

So, on the drive, (the long drive) home it set me to thinking, and of course one thing lead to another and I thought this...

I love a lot of people. People who really do mean the world to me. And while I love them it is a strange concept to consider when I occasionally get a deeper glimpse into the reality that I might actually mean something to them as well.

I feel very unworthy of such affections. I know it seems strange and it's probably just insecurity, but whatever the case may be, it is all the same very overwhelming when it actually hits home like it did on this night. 

I don't know that this will even make sense to anyone else, but it is exactly where I'm at right now.

As with Derek, I wish I could be the sort of friend that's, I don't know, just better.

I seem to know a lot of people who feel life deeply and simply living it takes a large toll on them, because they often care for others far more than they care for themselves. Like I said, for Derek it took his life.

I am often concerned about them but what can I do?  Pray?

It seems like there should be more somehow, but I can't figure out just what that would be. It leaves me at a loss.

All of this said, as we go through life, I would ask you to keep in mind that  we're all just trying to figure out this mess called life as we stumble through it. Really none of us can know deep down what sort of turmoil is the heart of another, regardless of what outward appearances might seem.

Some of us have received a greater measure of grace throughout our journey I suppose, which makes it easier for some than others, but we all have our struggles, just as we all have an impact on each other in ways we may never understand.

So please, I ask of you, be kind to each other, so as not to make things any worse or more difficult than life already may be for them.

It is sad to me that Derek was able to give me such a gift and that he's not even around for me to thank him for it.

It was in fact his death that had brought these people I had never met in my 15 (?) plus years of knowing Derek on this one night.

That too made me think....

I probably have the most diverse group of friends of anyone I know. Many of whom don't get along with or even like each other. They don't always see in themselves or each other what I see in all of them.

But one day too, as we all will, I'll die. My hope is that it will be an occasion that would bring people together, like this night, who would not otherwise have occasion to meet.

And when that day comes, as it will, I hope to you say to yourselves, "Man, Dave really had some awesome people in his life." because I do.

Be good to yourselves, but more importantly, be good to each other.

Peace be with you,
d(-_-)b