All I've Ever Wanted Was Everything

I just wanted someone to want me, and I thought that someone would be you.

All I want is in the hands of someone else.

To ask for it impossible because it doesn't exist to give anymore.

I have changed too late and the competition is fierce.

The Last Three Years

Do you have any idea what a trust barrier it is knowing that for the past three years you let me believe things could be okay, when you for those three years dreamed of a happier life without me would be like?

I can't compete with an imaginary person or life you dreamed of for so long.

I can't compete with your lovers either. I'm no machine.

I have all the faults of a human who has for the entirety of our marriage known that I had to fight to keep you.

Eventually I got frustrated with that fight because I felt like you weren't on my side. I thought we were fighting together for a long time, but now I see I was the alone in that.

I guess I've changed too late, but I had no hand in knowing when or even that I would change.

I guess you didn't either or you wouldn't have been making so many plans.

I'm flattered that you chose to foresake a life you've dreamed of for so long, but I clearly see that while you don't want to be the one to be seen as less than for initialing it, you clearly don't want to be with me.

Muy Fejo

One day I may wake to find I have been found worthy.

But not today

Just Be Yourself

The worst advice I've ever taken.

Orange Crush

I have no idea where I fit in here anymore, what my role is.

I am waiting for feeling to appear out of nothing.

I am competing with three years of imaginary lovers, and I simply can't, so I wait...and wait.

It's a stressful way to live knowing that your relational well being hangs in the balance by waiting for something that no longer exists to appear and validate my position.

I feel like I've lost the fight and I'm just waiting for the referee to call it, so I can stop taking the beat down.

It's Not A Competition ? Yes It Is...

I cannot compete with the secret machines.

I cannot compete with the imaginary man.

I am out of the competition I guess.

I don't want to die.

You And Me Against the World

I wish my brain would stop.

I wish I had no desire.

I wish I had a filter.

I wish I understood the rules.

I wish I could talk to the other players.

I wish I understood.

I wish I were understood.

I wish I could feel your presence when your with me more often.

I wish you could be honest with me.

I wish I could be honest with you.

I wish I could tell you the truth.

I wish you would simply tell me the truth.

I wish I could handle the truth.

I wish I weren't so addicted to you and maybe I could make the decisions that are best for you instead of me.

This is not us and I didn't choose any of this consciously, but sadly I did choose a large part of it in certain ways.

One Fucking Day

Dear Brain,

Will you please allow me one fucking day of peace and pleasure? 

Please stop making me question the stability of everything I love and could never replace because you make me fuck it all up.

I actually have a fantastic wife and an envious  life, but you're fucking it all up for me.

Please stop, or we will have to break up. (Don't act you don't know what I mean. You're the one doing the thinking here asshole.)

-namasdave

Baloo

If no one else can scratch your itch I guess you find away to scratch it yourself or live with it as long as you can.

Heartily Never Herd

If you cannot be truly honest you cannot truly be anything.

-namasdave

What Else Is There?

Be trustworthy above all.

Uncle

Something's got to give and it's me.

A Better Human

I don't know when I'm crossing lines anymore, so I will remain silent.

It's working quite well so far, but at what point am I just crawling inside myself to escape the world?

At what point do I lose myself, and at what point am I simply being a better human?

Coconuts

Everyone gets cuts in front of me.

When I arrive...sold out.

Maybe a different store?

Salad Daze

There's always a good reason and never a good time to be had.

30

How can life be so fucked up and beautiful at the same time?

Coming Around the Molehill

I don't know what more to do.

I guess I just keep working on me now and wait.

Maybe she'll show up one day.

Maybe she won't.

How to Live with a Huge Penis

Four years ago today I also hated myself.

Thanks Google photos... I hadn't forgotten.

Present Tense Passed Tense

The past is not a place I enjoy visiting anymore. I need to return all of the souvenirs I seem to have collected along the way.

Obleo

Every point is a starting point

Not Just Anybody

If you need help, we need help.

If I need help, we need help.

Why Can't I Not Be Sober

It is extremely difficult to be sober right now, but here I am, sober.

Only Dave Can Save Dave

Thanks, but coming from so many sources, I have to wonder what greater happiness I'm keeping you from. I'm clearly not good for the people around me, especially you. My concern is less for me than you. 

I've made an appointment with Heather. I've actually been thinking about another hospital stay and maybe it really would be a good thing.

I've also thought about finding a replacement for Will. I think I need a female perspective if I'm going to get through this the right way.

If you think I should go, of course it will hurt but I would understand. That said, I'm too selfish to simply leave. You would have to be the one to give me the word. Do that and I won't fight you anymore about it. I will understand completely.

I'm trying desperately to do all I can to get better, for us, but mostly for me. I really hate who I've been for so long, and it kills me to know what I've put you through simply bumbling around life not understanding anything. 

I feel like a veil of sorts has been lifted and I'm beginning to understand and see things I never have. After 53 years I'm beginning to understand things most people just know. You've endured the worst of me I hope.

So often when I look at you I just get sad to know what you've done and become just to get us here and I don't want to make you regret staying after planning to leave me me for so long.

You're such a great person, and I know you won't believe it, but you make everything you touch a little better, including me.

I guess what I'm saying is I'll do what it takes to make this work, and if you feel like it just won't let me know. I'll figure it out, if it that's what it takes to get you in a place where you can be happy I'll do it.

I'd love to agree with Amber, and I do on several points, but you've had two doctors point this out and that says something. We can't both be happy if one of isn't happy with the other.

We've had a lot of years together, and it's true I have been an angry, frustrated person at times. Drinking and smoking for my part are in largely just my response to denying what I didn't want to believe about us. I think some of my feelings were valid, but most not so much, and I can let go of the past but I know I can never make my part right. It's a penance that cannot be paid in a lifetime.

I'm just so sorry for everything and I know whatever time we have left here I can't spend knowing it's at your expense anymore. I always want the best for you, and I wanted to believe that I could be that, but I don't know if or even when I can be the person that you actually want more than what you feel you need. 

I know you love me, and you said it probably most accurately, when you described your love for me like Mary and Art's. I know from so many things you've said to me over this past year, intentional or not, where I think I am with you and where you are with me. It has been overwhelming to take in so much of my life in such a short time, but it has been painfully revealing.

I've had the feeling this year that you would or will eventually end this madness by cutting out the cancer (me) I think you're just too kind and care for me too much to simply end it.

Only Dave can save Dave, only you can save you. However we do that, happiness is in our hands alone.

That was rough to put in writing.

BTW Codependency isn't bad on many levels, it how humans live.

Feel Like a Piece of Shit

I'd like to wake up one day and feel like I didn't need to bear the burden of being myself. I've come to far too many self-realizations and the destruction it has had on my relationships. Granted most all of it stems from childhood but that actually makes it worse somehow, because I'm 53 and I'm still controlled by my fears and insecurities. I make extreme assumptions in my logic, and spiral downward rapidly. Then I react as though my thoughts were the reality, when the truth of the matter is I'm so close to everything I've ever wanted that I can touch it, but I can't have it. That much is out my control. I would never devalue it it by asking for it, but I would love to not feel alone. I'd love to feel like one day I won't feel like a total piece of shit anymore. Like everything might be okay.

I'm pretty fucked up and have been this whole year with overwhelming introspection and plenty of supporting evidence about the reality of my life and what I've made it for lack of understanding what love looks like in a relationship.

I'll stop. Sorry.

Why Don't You Kill Me

Things are going to be different this time, I can feel it...

Two Against One

Two Against One

Make no mistake I don't do anything for free
I keep my enemies closer than my mirror ever gets to me
And if you think that there is shelter in this attitude
Wait til you feel the warmth of my gratitude

I get the feeling that it's two against one
I'm already fighting me, so what's another one
The mirror is a trigger and your mouth's a gun
Lucky for me, I'm not the only one

And if it looks to me like you in your reflection
Plan to add your own fight to this dimension
Then tell it this ain't no free-for-all to see
There's only three, it's just you and me against me

I get the feeling that it's two against one
I'm already fighting me, so what's another one
The mirror is a trigger and your mouth's a gun
Lucky for me I'm not the only one
Lucky for me I'm not the only one

And if your foot's on to sick a thousand "yes men"
Plan to break into the middle of this little plan
Then there's your plan to hear me say
That I won't play around the way
Anyway, I plan to plan around them

I get the feeling that it's two against one
I'm already fighting me, so what's another one
The mirror is a trigger and your mouth's a gun
Lucky for me I'm not the only one
Lucky for me I'm not the only one

Deep and Wide

The depth of my damage is deep.

Take the Money and Run

Losing isn't an option, because it is mandatory at this point.

I know deep down it's over and she's too kind to tell me

She knows what it would do to me

She tells me she loves me

But not like that

I am a foolishly blind optimist

But it's the only reason I'm still alive

I should have seen the decades of signs she gave

But I guess I didn't want to believe

My past is ruining my future and I can't escape the absolute horror of myself

The wake of destruction in my path is long and wide

And with all of this, I know, more is coming

She told me so

I don't know how much more of my own ugliness is yet to be revealed, but it seems there's plenty more that I have yet to be forgiven

So I carry that with me day and night

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

To learn the many other ways I have let her down

I don't know what to wish for anymore

To do what's best for everyone and leave is something I'm too weak and selfish to do

I just don't know how to be around myself anymore and the people around me are constant reminders of the people I've hurt and I'm sure I will hurt again.

I've always known I was bad but I never knew just how debased I truly am

I have seen what has happened to the people who have foolishly chosen to have me around

My parents were good to remind me that I'm unworthy, continually reminding me of the potential I waste daily

They taught me that love and approval were things to be earned, and part of that is keeping secrets

They were good to remind me that simply being myself would never be enough

And look at that, they might be right

Maybe they always were

You win again mom

Maybe an abortion would have been better

You should have taken the money

Ha, maybe you did.

Weighting

Everyday is a new opportunity to realize another shitty thing about myself.

This weight is crushing me.

Heartbreak Hotel

I never thought you'd be the one to break my heart every single day, in a whole new way.

Modern Love

No one who's job has been taken by machine has ever gotten their job back.

It's not the secret machine...

There Will Be No Money

Sometimes death doesn't really seem like the worst thing that could happen.

Invisibility Cloak

I've already fucked things up, far beyond repair.

I see this now.

If I had the means to be no burden, I would vanish, for the betterment of all.

Life is an endurance test

How long can you feel like a piece of shit before you stop trying to be something else...

Everything and Nothing

I wonder if my need to discuss everything stem from from my childhood inability to discuss anything.

Things You Can't Ask For

I'm so fucking lonely I feel like I could cry at any moment...every moment.

Congratulations

It is important to remember every morning that I have not been selected, and then act accordingly through the course of the day.

Fuck Me

Indulgences abound with resources around.

What a Wonderful World

Ask any smoker why they smoke, and you'll never hear them say, because everything is fucking awesome!

WTF Am I Doing Anymore?!

No longer to initiate, only to reciprocate.

Prosperity vs Poverty

I just watched a short film that got me to thinking about this: In a relationship what defines cheating at its core? I imagine this probably varies by person, but I think, at its very core, cheating is anytime you give elsewhere what you should be giving to the relationship. (I know taking the logic to it's end, this could become a huge mind fuck, so don't do that.)

I'd be interested to hear a different thought. No judgement, just inquiry. (I'm supposed to make you know, this has nothing to do with any relationship I'm in or know of.LOL!)

No, Please Use Your Fucking Phone

I think posting this will make me look cool to anyone who can see me. 

Plus it shows a casual disinterest in my surroundings, that I think comes across as secure and cool.

You love me more now don't you?

I Never Thought Monogamy Would Mean Celibacy

Deep Rest

Sell ABC

...

To Dream the Impossible Dream

Sex is everywhere and I'm not at liberty to talk about it... and so something must become nothing.

Sell ABC...

53 year old baby

I feel really clingy and needy today.

I fear trouble is coming my way.

Maybe I should go back to bed and just avoid this day.

The Best Me I Can Be

When you're lost driving faster won't help you find your way.

This but a scratch

You can't expect to anyone to generate feelings from nothing just as you can't expect to anyone to eradicate feelings into nothing. 

It is an unfair expectation in either case.

My Love

My love drives me crazy.

Your love keeps me sane.

Three Against One

The world has fought against me because I have been fighting against myself.

You Can't Ask For It

I would love to feel like someone thought I was beautiful and I made them happy. It's a feeling I haven't known for a very long time.

Presents Past

It's difficult to think about the future when you can barely fathom the present and the past has all but disappeared.

Possible New Life Mantra

How do we get there from here and how long will it take?

I don't know, just keep driving until you see the signs.

Adverse City

It is through life's challenges that we are able to appreciate life's beauty.

Hope

This has been the most difficult year of my life, but I remain optimistic. I can't even begin to say why, but I have to have hope in something.

Hope is all that's keeps me going.

Glorious Purpose

You can't take the glory without taking the blame as well.

Straight to Hell Boys

I would tell you where you can go, but you know that in doing so, I would follow you there.

Milk Shakes

I have comes to terms with the fact that I am generally my own worst enemy. 

Now I just need to figure out how to lose myself in a crowd or something. 

I'm tough to shake and I'm a lot of work to be around.

Blame share

Why am I only to blame?

Why can no one share the load.

I'm so fucked up.

More than I ever realized.

I once believed this was all my fault.

And that was good enough for everyone else to accept.

The truth is I'm discovering that I'm not really as fucked up as I thought I was in many ways.

It seems I'm just way more fucked up that I thought I was in so many other ways.

Do I Even Lift Bro?

A few weeks back I discovered, of myself, that I have a great need for approval. I also figured out that my need for approval stems from the conditional love of my upbringing.

For the last 30 years, I now realize, I've been working not for my wife & family, as much as for their approval, for their love.

My inability to realize the true sickness of my actions came to light recently when I found myself on the verge of losing literally every reason I had done anything and sacrificed everything.

Consequently, I find I no longer have the motivation to do much of anything in the way of the household tasks I used to do so enthusiastically.

I would come home from working and continue to work. I'm now told my company would have been preferred, but at the time you couldn't have convinced me so.

I know what needs to be done but I really feel like there's really no greater purpose than being the handyman, to follow through.

Can I be made to feel needed when I'm not made to feel wanted? I don't want to just be useful anymore. I want to be happy.

My happiness depends on me now, as it actually always has, but I can no longer place the weight of my hopes on the shoulders of others and what I hoped/hope they and our relationship might be. That is not their burden to bear.

Their happiness depends on them as much as mine depends on me. So I work on rediscovering what it means to be me anymore.

My relationships must change, if I am to stay in successfully, because I am changing.

And so the weight continues.

Alone With You

If I am alone, them I alone must be enough.

Honestly

There's a huge difference between being honest and being truthful. 

Don't be honest when you can simply be truthful.

Honesty isn't for everyone, I'm learning, slowly.

I'll get there maybe...someday.

The Color Purple

I fucking hate it.

It is a powerful reminder of what I've become and what I've lost on the process.

I'll Have the Usual Please

I feel like I'm always on the verge of fucking something great up.

Usually I am.

Usually I do.

When I finally realize it, it usually too late.

And if it's not too late, I usually pass on the opportunity to let things be as great as they want to be.

I'm hanging with on by a thread most of the time and making it up as I go.

Wu Hu

Want what you have and you'll have what you want.

Dog Daze

Did you ever have a difficult day and not understand quite why?

Who Do You Love?

Do who you love and the rest will come.

Love Is Like Oxygen

It's easy to forget all the many good things in life, when those many good things are just normal things.

The Hurting

I am still where you left me, waiting, alone. 

I hope you arrive...

I'm Still Where You Left Me Alone

I am waiting for someone that is unlikely to arrive.

I am waiting for someone I have yet to meet.

Perhaps they will show in the nick of time.

Perhaps they are already lost and won't be coming at all.

I was not asked to wait.

In fact I was told not to.

But against all odds,I will wait as long as I can.

Woo Me, Wow Me

Let the wooing commence if it goes that way.

For Grant (& Ed)

I often take for granted the many good things and people in my life. If that's you, please forgive me.

That's Love

Imagine your dealer is your detox support...

The Cruelest of Jokes

My whole life, and especially the last 30 years of my life, have apparently been the cruelest of jokes played on me.

A play upon my weaknesses, for love and acceptance. A play made for the desire of another's will.

Fuck me...

All My Breath

No longer moving forward based on what if. I realize I can only move forward based on what is.

I was never ever attractive

I guess there's something to be said for consistency.

That Jimmy Thang

My wife and I are always on the same page, just on opposite sides sometimes.

Man Among Giants

The whispers of giants can be terrifyingly honest.

Be Still

Say what you will

You cannot be still

Not even for a minute

What burns will burn

The worm still turns

And the world is turning with it

- namasdave