Take the Money and Run

Losing isn't an option, because it is mandatory at this point.

I know deep down it's over and she's too kind to tell me

She knows what it would do to me

She tells me she loves me

But not like that

I am a foolishly blind optimist

But it's the only reason I'm still alive

I should have seen the decades of signs she gave

But I guess I didn't want to believe

My past is ruining my future and I can't escape the absolute horror of myself

The wake of destruction in my path is long and wide

And with all of this, I know, more is coming

She told me so

I don't know how much more of my own ugliness is yet to be revealed, but it seems there's plenty more that I have yet to be forgiven

So I carry that with me day and night

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

To learn the many other ways I have let her down

I don't know what to wish for anymore

To do what's best for everyone and leave is something I'm too weak and selfish to do

I just don't know how to be around myself anymore and the people around me are constant reminders of the people I've hurt and I'm sure I will hurt again.

I've always known I was bad but I never knew just how debased I truly am

I have seen what has happened to the people who have foolishly chosen to have me around

My parents were good to remind me that I'm unworthy, continually reminding me of the potential I waste daily

They taught me that love and approval were things to be earned, and part of that is keeping secrets

They were good to remind me that simply being myself would never be enough

And look at that, they might be right

Maybe they always were

You win again mom

Maybe an abortion would have been better

You should have taken the money

Ha, maybe you did.