Do I Even Lift Bro?

A few weeks back I discovered, of myself, that I have a great need for approval. I also figured out that my need for approval stems from the conditional love of my upbringing.

For the last 30 years, I now realize, I've been working not for my wife & family, as much as for their approval, for their love.

My inability to realize the true sickness of my actions came to light recently when I found myself on the verge of losing literally every reason I had done anything and sacrificed everything.

Consequently, I find I no longer have the motivation to do much of anything in the way of the household tasks I used to do so enthusiastically.

I would come home from working and continue to work. I'm now told my company would have been preferred, but at the time you couldn't have convinced me so.

I know what needs to be done but I really feel like there's really no greater purpose than being the handyman, to follow through.

Can I be made to feel needed when I'm not made to feel wanted? I don't want to just be useful anymore. I want to be happy.

My happiness depends on me now, as it actually always has, but I can no longer place the weight of my hopes on the shoulders of others and what I hoped/hope they and our relationship might be. That is not their burden to bear.

Their happiness depends on them as much as mine depends on me. So I work on rediscovering what it means to be me anymore.

My relationships must change, if I am to stay in successfully, because I am changing.

And so the weight continues.