Only Dave Can Save Dave

Thanks, but coming from so many sources, I have to wonder what greater happiness I'm keeping you from. I'm clearly not good for the people around me, especially you. My concern is less for me than you. 

I've made an appointment with Heather. I've actually been thinking about another hospital stay and maybe it really would be a good thing.

I've also thought about finding a replacement for Will. I think I need a female perspective if I'm going to get through this the right way.

If you think I should go, of course it will hurt but I would understand. That said, I'm too selfish to simply leave. You would have to be the one to give me the word. Do that and I won't fight you anymore about it. I will understand completely.

I'm trying desperately to do all I can to get better, for us, but mostly for me. I really hate who I've been for so long, and it kills me to know what I've put you through simply bumbling around life not understanding anything. 

I feel like a veil of sorts has been lifted and I'm beginning to understand and see things I never have. After 53 years I'm beginning to understand things most people just know. You've endured the worst of me I hope.

So often when I look at you I just get sad to know what you've done and become just to get us here and I don't want to make you regret staying after planning to leave me me for so long.

You're such a great person, and I know you won't believe it, but you make everything you touch a little better, including me.

I guess what I'm saying is I'll do what it takes to make this work, and if you feel like it just won't let me know. I'll figure it out, if it that's what it takes to get you in a place where you can be happy I'll do it.

I'd love to agree with Amber, and I do on several points, but you've had two doctors point this out and that says something. We can't both be happy if one of isn't happy with the other.

We've had a lot of years together, and it's true I have been an angry, frustrated person at times. Drinking and smoking for my part are in largely just my response to denying what I didn't want to believe about us. I think some of my feelings were valid, but most not so much, and I can let go of the past but I know I can never make my part right. It's a penance that cannot be paid in a lifetime.

I'm just so sorry for everything and I know whatever time we have left here I can't spend knowing it's at your expense anymore. I always want the best for you, and I wanted to believe that I could be that, but I don't know if or even when I can be the person that you actually want more than what you feel you need. 

I know you love me, and you said it probably most accurately, when you described your love for me like Mary and Art's. I know from so many things you've said to me over this past year, intentional or not, where I think I am with you and where you are with me. It has been overwhelming to take in so much of my life in such a short time, but it has been painfully revealing.

I've had the feeling this year that you would or will eventually end this madness by cutting out the cancer (me) I think you're just too kind and care for me too much to simply end it.

Only Dave can save Dave, only you can save you. However we do that, happiness is in our hands alone.

That was rough to put in writing.

BTW Codependency isn't bad on many levels, it how humans live.