All I've Ever Wanted Was Everything

I just wanted someone to want me, and I thought that someone would be you.

All I want is in the hands of someone else.

To ask for it impossible because it doesn't exist to give anymore.

I have changed too late and the competition is fierce.

The Last Three Years

Do you have any idea what a trust barrier it is knowing that for the past three years you let me believe things could be okay, when you for those three years dreamed of a happier life without me would be like?

I can't compete with an imaginary person or life you dreamed of for so long.

I can't compete with your lovers either. I'm no machine.

I have all the faults of a human who has for the entirety of our marriage known that I had to fight to keep you.

Eventually I got frustrated with that fight because I felt like you weren't on my side. I thought we were fighting together for a long time, but now I see I was the alone in that.

I guess I've changed too late, but I had no hand in knowing when or even that I would change.

I guess you didn't either or you wouldn't have been making so many plans.

I'm flattered that you chose to foresake a life you've dreamed of for so long, but I clearly see that while you don't want to be the one to be seen as less than for initialing it, you clearly don't want to be with me.

Muy Fejo

One day I may wake to find I have been found worthy.

But not today

Just Be Yourself

The worst advice I've ever taken.

Orange Crush

I have no idea where I fit in here anymore, what my role is.

I am waiting for feeling to appear out of nothing.

I am competing with three years of imaginary lovers, and I simply can't, so I wait...and wait.

It's a stressful way to live knowing that your relational well being hangs in the balance by waiting for something that no longer exists to appear and validate my position.

I feel like I've lost the fight and I'm just waiting for the referee to call it, so I can stop taking the beat down.

It's Not A Competition ? Yes It Is...

I cannot compete with the secret machines.

I cannot compete with the imaginary man.

I am out of the competition I guess.

I don't want to die.

You And Me Against the World

I wish my brain would stop.

I wish I had no desire.

I wish I had a filter.

I wish I understood the rules.

I wish I could talk to the other players.

I wish I understood.

I wish I were understood.

I wish I could feel your presence when your with me more often.

I wish you could be honest with me.

I wish I could be honest with you.

I wish I could tell you the truth.

I wish you would simply tell me the truth.

I wish I could handle the truth.

I wish I weren't so addicted to you and maybe I could make the decisions that are best for you instead of me.

This is not us and I didn't choose any of this consciously, but sadly I did choose a large part of it in certain ways.

One Fucking Day

Dear Brain,

Will you please allow me one fucking day of peace and pleasure? 

Please stop making me question the stability of everything I love and could never replace because you make me fuck it all up.

I actually have a fantastic wife and an envious  life, but you're fucking it all up for me.

Please stop, or we will have to break up. (Don't act you don't know what I mean. You're the one doing the thinking here asshole.)

-namasdave

Baloo

If no one else can scratch your itch I guess you find away to scratch it yourself or live with it as long as you can.

Heartily Never Herd

If you cannot be truly honest you cannot truly be anything.

-namasdave

What Else Is There?

Be trustworthy above all.

Uncle

Something's got to give and it's me.

A Better Human

I don't know when I'm crossing lines anymore, so I will remain silent.

It's working quite well so far, but at what point am I just crawling inside myself to escape the world?

At what point do I lose myself, and at what point am I simply being a better human?

Coconuts

Everyone gets cuts in front of me.

When I arrive...sold out.

Maybe a different store?

Salad Daze

There's always a good reason and never a good time to be had.

30

How can life be so fucked up and beautiful at the same time?

Coming Around the Molehill

I don't know what more to do.

I guess I just keep working on me now and wait.

Maybe she'll show up one day.

Maybe she won't.

How to Live with a Huge Penis

Four years ago today I also hated myself.

Thanks Google photos... I hadn't forgotten.

Present Tense Passed Tense

The past is not a place I enjoy visiting anymore. I need to return all of the souvenirs I seem to have collected along the way.

Obleo

Every point is a starting point

Not Just Anybody

If you need help, we need help.

If I need help, we need help.

Why Can't I Not Be Sober

It is extremely difficult to be sober right now, but here I am, sober.

Only Dave Can Save Dave

Thanks, but coming from so many sources, I have to wonder what greater happiness I'm keeping you from. I'm clearly not good for the people around me, especially you. My concern is less for me than you. 

I've made an appointment with Heather. I've actually been thinking about another hospital stay and maybe it really would be a good thing.

I've also thought about finding a replacement for Will. I think I need a female perspective if I'm going to get through this the right way.

If you think I should go, of course it will hurt but I would understand. That said, I'm too selfish to simply leave. You would have to be the one to give me the word. Do that and I won't fight you anymore about it. I will understand completely.

I'm trying desperately to do all I can to get better, for us, but mostly for me. I really hate who I've been for so long, and it kills me to know what I've put you through simply bumbling around life not understanding anything. 

I feel like a veil of sorts has been lifted and I'm beginning to understand and see things I never have. After 53 years I'm beginning to understand things most people just know. You've endured the worst of me I hope.

So often when I look at you I just get sad to know what you've done and become just to get us here and I don't want to make you regret staying after planning to leave me me for so long.

You're such a great person, and I know you won't believe it, but you make everything you touch a little better, including me.

I guess what I'm saying is I'll do what it takes to make this work, and if you feel like it just won't let me know. I'll figure it out, if it that's what it takes to get you in a place where you can be happy I'll do it.

I'd love to agree with Amber, and I do on several points, but you've had two doctors point this out and that says something. We can't both be happy if one of isn't happy with the other.

We've had a lot of years together, and it's true I have been an angry, frustrated person at times. Drinking and smoking for my part are in largely just my response to denying what I didn't want to believe about us. I think some of my feelings were valid, but most not so much, and I can let go of the past but I know I can never make my part right. It's a penance that cannot be paid in a lifetime.

I'm just so sorry for everything and I know whatever time we have left here I can't spend knowing it's at your expense anymore. I always want the best for you, and I wanted to believe that I could be that, but I don't know if or even when I can be the person that you actually want more than what you feel you need. 

I know you love me, and you said it probably most accurately, when you described your love for me like Mary and Art's. I know from so many things you've said to me over this past year, intentional or not, where I think I am with you and where you are with me. It has been overwhelming to take in so much of my life in such a short time, but it has been painfully revealing.

I've had the feeling this year that you would or will eventually end this madness by cutting out the cancer (me) I think you're just too kind and care for me too much to simply end it.

Only Dave can save Dave, only you can save you. However we do that, happiness is in our hands alone.

That was rough to put in writing.

BTW Codependency isn't bad on many levels, it how humans live.