Unworthiness

Today may the day I am found worthy of your affections.

Probably not, but I'm hoping.

What surprises me is why you post stuff like this , you are the richest person I know...

CPTSD, ADHD, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, and the logic of my thinking. All of these things and more are often the source of my overthinking and then (prior to getting on the right combination of many medications) comes the downward spiral. 

I couldn't agree with you more, I am rich in love, and it's the only reason I continue on. The people in my life have been a great support.

This year has been the most difficult year I've EVER faced, and I've had some tough years.

The impetus for all of this originated from an imbalance of enzymes, or whatever from my pancreas, liver and kidneys.

Once that got sorted I could begin to work my way through the many ugly realizations about who I am and who I've been to myself and as a result the people around me.

Insecurities, fear, and so many other things controlling me.

I grew up and have lived most of my life in fight or flight mode. Originally as a defense from an abusive upbringing, and then simply because it was the only way of living I knew.

All that said, without the type of love a kid needs, I've been forced to make decisions based on skewed thinking.

Fortunately my wife, whom I've been with 30 years has stuck by my side, and my family has extended grace to me beyond measure.

I have always felt unworthy and because I didn't really know understand what real love was supposed to look like when it was extended to me.

Like trying to pet a feral animal. 

My biggest hurdle, like most people I imagine, is myself, but I'm working on it and progressing rapidly, which is great because I don't have the energy to keep fighting some days.

Thank you however for your kind words. You're right. I also post this stuff because I know if I'm going through it, there probably many others experiencing their own version of my issues as well. We may feel alone, but we can be alone together, and that ain't nothing.

-nasdave

Your Truth

We do not experience things as they are, we experience things as we are.

Funny Ha Ha

What do coffee and soil have in common?

They're both ground.

DOI

It's hard to imagine in the moment the magnitude of impact the decisions of our young selves will have on our older selves.

-namasdave

The Rules

I'm playing by your rules, and playing by them has changed the game for me.

So just tell me when you think I should stop following them.

DaFuq

Sometimes it's fuck it for the worst reasons.

Sometimes it's fuck it for the best reasons.

And sometimes the best and worst reasons are the same reasons.

Who I Am To You

If you want me, I'll be there.

If you need me I'll be there.

If you don't want or need me I'll still be there.

Tell me to leave often enough and I'll simply respect your wishes.

Tell me no often enough and I'll believe you.

Tell me to go often enough and I will.

Leaving would kill me, and I don't know how many more times I can come back, but I'll always try.

I can be what you want to be, and I can not be what you don't want me to be.

Keep in mind though, I have been those things you do and don't want, and you didn't seem to like that either.

So for now being me will have to be enough.

I Never Agreed to This

I can't imagine an omniscient, loving God that creates people, foreknowing they'll wind up going to Hell. Especially without consent from the human party in the arrangement, or at least some sort of warning ⚠️ about what's going to happen at the end of it all.

Always moving

"Always Moving" That's what her shirt said. It was easy to read because she was standing still.

Fuck You? No, Fuck Me!

When you lost faith in me I lost faith in myself. 

I worried about what you thought, and changed my actions to accommodate.

Mistake.

I forgot, that what you think of me doesn't matter as much as what I think of my self.

If I can't feel good about myself where I'm at, then maybe I'm not where I should be, or maybe I'm just who I should be.

Either way, I quit.

The Pen and Sword

There are weeds in the garden and flowers in the fields.

All my care and effort, and this is what life yields.

Nothing Else

What's more important than anything else?

Everything else.

Driving Me Nuts

The because of you, because of me, mentality.

Sign On Bone Us

I signed on knowing I wasn't enough.

I will be content with that, but I also can't say that I don't wish I were.

Sometimes a second chance is just another chance to screw things up.

Embrace the mess, that's where the good stuff lives.

You always have your whole life ahead of you, until you only have your whole life behind you.

-namasdave

No one wants to know your feelings at the level your feelings wish to be known.

-namasdave