Guess Who Got Breakfast in Bed Today?!

If you weren't already aware by now,  I went to the hospital last night. (Oct 23rd)
I'm much better today.
Tired. 
In a nutshell... I was about to eat dinner, and began feeling hot, then started sweating profusely, vomiting. I couldn't speak coherently. I couldn't move most my body.
I have some foggy memories in there somewhere but next thing I know I'm being taken in an ambulance to the hopsital primarily because of low blood pressure.
On arrival it was 70/48. That's up from when they picked me up at the house. Later they told me it was pretty amazing I was even concious at all.
My temperature was at 90°, almost 8° below normal. 
Potassium was at 3 and apparently the lowest it should be is 4. Electrolytes were low.
White blood cell count was high.
I was in a bad place. I truly thought yesterday was my last day. Guess not.
All vitals are back to normal and I'm home now with the diagnosis of Heat Stroke along with Dehydration complicated (if not caused) by generally not taking good care of myself in regard to my eating and sleeping, and stress management habits. Also probably fighting some sort of ailment judging by the elevated white blood cell count.
So a whole mess of things at once basically. I'll work on it. For now though I'm going to bed.

And then I almost did

Working hard just to stay alive until the day I die.

Everybody

Everyone is waiting and hoping for something to happen that's out of their control.

The Cure

I could swear there was a day when I thought something more than just "Great, because I'm beat" when I would hear the words let's go to bed.

What does it mean, and why does it matter?

It means, as all things do, whatever the  options your personal history and experiences have conditioned you to consider, in combination with whatever the level of security you maintain about yourself and your convictions, will afford you to entertain without having to accomodate more change than you might be willing to.

Most will choose to react accordingly, rather than acting purposefully. One is concerned with self preservation the other with growth.

Often people do so without forethought about context, or to the true intention of the message.

Very few will regard the message enough make any effort to gain  insight behind the circumstances actually motivating the message.

For you though... Well, what it means is irrelevant,  because it will mean whatever your gut tells you it means.

It matters mostly because that's how you know who you really are, and who you're really not.

No One Has Ever Been Free

Hozier, "Take Me To Church"

Hozier, "Take Me To Church"

My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshiped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

'We were born sick,' you heard them say it

My Church offers no absolutes.
She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you—

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am Human
Only then I am Clean
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

Logical and Intellectual Failures

You won't win, no matter how you answer...

Admit it or not, you are in denial.

Don't let anyone tell you that you have to think for yourself.

Of course you would say that you're innocent, that's what all guilty people say.

Repost this Facebook status if...

...you rode in the back of a pickup truck when you were a kid and lived to tell about it.

...you are against illiteracy.

Repost this meme if you don't want anyone to think...

...you don't love and support someone in your family.

...that you believe terrorism is ok.

...that you don't care about terminal illnesses.

...you hate America.

...You actually want to burn in hell for eternity for not believing in a loving God.

GDS

Technology has managed to kill the social question and reduced the chances of stumbling upon one thing in search for another.

You might think we'd be more closely connected, but I think we're more disconnected than ever. We have communication without community.

We care more about how we appear than how we are never realizing that anyone who looked beyond the surface would see that we appear exactly as we are.

We spend hours learning about strangers and sit silently with those around us.
We might live more of our lives if we could stop documenting every moment of them, but when our own lives become too tiresome the lives of others will suffice as entertainment.

We have falsely inflated egos and senses of self esteem and we provide the same disservice to others.

We are obsessed with celebrities that have achieved nothing actually worth celebrating and somehow believe that recognizability equates to credibility.

We have become too overwhelmed to face the problems of our own world l because we are consumed with the problems of the world, people we don't know and never will.

We cannot see the what is before us because we are so consumed with looking at what was behind us...

Remembering when we took that selfie... and another...
and another...
and another.

Home Is Where the Hard Is

So Far So Long

it could have been you too

it still might be

someday

today

 

there's still time

you never know

until you're there

 

want it or not

pay attention

 

you could still turn out

one of them

good or bad

 

either way

see the signs

 

that everyone sees

in others

but no one recognizes

in themselves

 

they're there

 

it's not having the will

to see them

but having the strength

not to deny them

 

it could still happen to you.

check yourself

 

everyone could be the hero

they think

but almost no one is

 

if not the hero

then the victim

but hardly ever is

 

heros

villians

victims

 

found in literature

history

strangers

but almost never

in the people

within our reach

 

they are imaginary

fiction

they are built

 

everybody wants to believe

there's a bad guy

but not that they're the bad guy

 

no one would dare to consider

the thought that it could be

 

them

us

any of us

all of us

 

i know i sure didn't.

but you know what

 

it turns out i actually am

i am the bad guy

imagine that

 

i might still be the worst thing

that happens to you

if i haven't been already

but i can't escape me

 

so far

 

i'm the very worst thing

that's happened to me

 

so far...

 

6 Years and Counting

Six years is a long time to be without the one you love,  especially when the one you love sleeps right beside you.

Sitting in the shower thinking...

And then I saw this.

Some Stupid Stuff I Just Thought Of

The greater life lessens the greater life's lessons.

There are times when moving forward may mean moving foeward.

DEAR ROUGE LIVE - I Heard I Had

DEAR ROUGE LIVE - I Heard I Had
http://youtu.be/igKO3kebnB0

I heard
A little siren noise
While I was walking out my door
I had
A little bit of doubt
That this would really be worth it all

Do it do it do it do it do it do it

I had
A messed up thought
That turned in to a life vocation
I heard
You never really hurt
Until it's gone
Don't care; whatever

Do it do it do it do it do it do it

All my
All my fires
I'm not putting out
I'm not putting down
All my fires

I felt
A little bit of fear
I got caught when I just got started
It's like I just can't stop
But I can't go on forever

Do it do it do it do it do it do it

Uh-uh-ooh

All my
All my fires
I'm not putting out
I'm not putting down

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Save me
Save me last
I'm outnumbered now
I'm outnumbered now

The cause was
The reaction
All my fires

All my fires
Yeah!
Oh oh
All my fires

All my
All my fires
I'm not putting out
I'm not putting down

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Save me
Save me last
I'm outnumbered now
I'm outnumbered now

The cause was
The reaction
All my fires

Greg Laswell - The One I Love

Greg Laswell - The One I Love:
http://youtu.be/jdLp8tQ5_ps

I'm all packed up now early in the morning
I'll take my leave
I'll bring your words along with me
Maybe one day they will mean something

For now they buzz and crumble down
A little bit too easily
From a time that I am not quite over
What the hell is wrong with me?

I might be gone a little while
I guess we'll see
I gotta make a home outta somewhere
And you're all over this city

And it'll take a flight to figure out
Where I'm gonna finally land
And the time it takes for me get there
I'll be one to start again

But I should probably say that I'm unsure why I'm running
Running away from the only thing I want
Yeah, I should probably say that I'm unsure why I'm running
Running away from the one I love

And if the plane lifts off
I'll write you a letter to say goodbye
And I will make it long and maybe lie just a little
Tell you that I'm doing fine

Then I'll send it out and let things be
If not for you
For me and for the time I've spent
Foolishly loving thee

But I should probably say that I'm unsure why I'm running
Running away from the only thing I want
Yeah, I should probably say that I'm unsure why I'm running
Running away from the one I love
The one I love

Thom Yorke - Black Swan

Thom Yorke - Black Swan:
http://youtu.be/wepAxJ6BN30

What will grow crooked, you can't make straight
It's the price that you gotta pay
Do yourself a favor and pack you bags
Buy a ticket and get on the train
Buy a ticket and get on the train

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up
Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

People get crushed like biscuit crumbs
And laid down in the bitumen
You have tried your best to please everyone
But it just isn't happening
No, it just isn't happening

And it's fucked up, fucked up
And this is fucked up, fucked up
This your blind spot, blind spot
It should be obvious, but it's not.
But it isn't, but it isn't

You cannot kick start a dead horse
You just crush yourself and walk away
I don't care what the future holds
Cause I'm right here and I'm today
With your fingers you can touch me

I'm your black swan, black swan
But I made it to the top, made it to the top
This is fucked up, fucked up

You are fucked up, fucked up
This is fucked up, fucked up

Be your black swan, black swan
I'm for spare parts, broken up

alt-J (∆) Breezeblocks

alt-J (∆) Breezeblocks:
http://youtu.be/rVeMiVU77wo

She may contain the urge to run away
But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks
Citrezene your fever’s gripped me again
Never kisses all you ever send are fullstops, la la la la

Do you know where the wilds things go
They go along to take your honey,la la la la
Break down now weep build up breakfast now
Let’s eat my love my love love love, la la la la

Muscle to muscle and toe to toe
The fear has gripped me but here I go
My heart sinks as I jump up
Your hand grips hand as my eyes shut
Ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah, ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah

Do you know where the wild things go
They go along to take your honey, la la la la
Break down let’s sleep build up breakfast now
Let’s eat my love my love love love, la la la la

She bruises coughs she splutters pistol shots
But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks
She’s morphine queen of my vaccine my love my love love love, la la la la

Muscle to muscle and toe to toe
The fear has gripped me but here I go
My heart sinks as I jump up
Your hand grips hand as my eyes shut
And ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah, ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah
Ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah, ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah

She may contain the urge to runaway
But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks
Germaline disinfect the scene my love my love love love
But please don’t go I love you so my lovely
Please don’t go, please don’t go, I love you so, I love you so
Please don’t go, please don’t go, I love you so, I love you so
Please break my heart, hey

Please don’t go, please don’t go, I love you so, I love you so
Please don’t go, please don’t go, I love you so, I love you so
Please break my heart, ah ha

Please don’t go, I’ll eat you whole
I love you so, I love you, so I love you so
Please don’t go I’ll eat you whole

Paper Kite

http://youtu.be/byJDiFQWbzI

Paper Kite
Damien Jurado

I'll be right outside
Floating by like a paper kite
I'm caught up in your string
Lucky in enough to be in your tree

And you'll never float too long

The birds watch as I sing
Waiting around for scissor teeth
And I could be of use
One more knot in a prisoner's noose

And you'll never float too long

And you'll never float too long
And you'll never float too long

Relational Gravity

If an object in motion tends to stay in motion, perhaps we would be wise to consider that the same may be true of people too before we push anyone in any particular direction, especially away. -db

I Am Nobody Now

Do not mourn my life if I have chosen to end it. Just be glad that I was finally successful at something I set out to do.

A Season For All Things

Think what you will
You cannot be still
Not even for a minute
What burns will burn
The world still turns
And we are turning with it
-db

Messes of Men by mewithoutYou

"I do not exist," we faithfully insist
sailing in our separate ships,
and in each tiny caravel -
tiring of trying, there's a necessary dying
like the horseshoe crab in its proper season sheds its shell
such distance from our friends,
like a scratch across a lens,
made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood
and our paper blew away before we'd left the bay
so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood

you caught me making eyes at the other boatmen's wives
and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters
I'd set my course for land,
but you well understand
it takes a steady hand to navigate adulterous waters
the propeller's spinning blades held acquaintance with the waves
as there's mistakes I've made no rowing could outrun
the cloth low on the mast like to say Ive got no past
but I'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son
with tarnish on my brass and mildew on my glass
I'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me
but a few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure
and I assure you, it was not what it expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel
to an anchor-ever-dropped-seasick-yet-still-docked captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong. we keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short
I drank a thimbleful of fire and I'm not ever going back

Oh, my G-d!

"I do not exist," we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew
if ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as you