BILLIE TITLEISH: In the Shitty of Eternal Cope
SHORT PEOPLE: I've got issues … probably manageable … going to take time…something amusing … Praise God.
PREGAME EVENTS: Last night started like any other … lavish gowns, and the kind of tests you can't study for. Tests involving large amounts of blood & urine, others involving two & three phase electricity. I got to party like that all night. Tests confirmed that it wasn't another stroke. It's not par, but I'm okay with a bogey.
ZAPPA: One of my symptoms are “brain zaps” as they called them. The doctor says they may be caused by my psych meds. It can happen when people metabolize certain meds too quickly. It goes out of the system and these are the resulting withdrawal symptoms. So we're changing those up. The new med would also treat some of my other symptoms too. That little swap would take a week or two.
TISSUES FOR ISSUES: My brain zaps included short tinnitus blurbs, and seemed to correspond to my eye movement most of the time.
THE SPECIALS: It was nice to talk to an Internal Medicine Specialist. He seemed to be looking for connections from previous events. By the end of his visit I felt unsettled and that's when I glanced over to see him as he talked to my nurse and another doctor very quietly in my doorway. I remembered what my crazy felt like and I hated that.
TEARS FOR FEARS: My nurse came back a little later. I'm a big boy, I knew it wouldn't be productive and that ethically she probably couldn't tell me. But I couldn't stop myself from asking in a smooth casual demeanor, “So…are they thinking maybe this is a physical issue… or a psychological issue? Or maybe even both?”
LETS DANCE: She was young, with no game face, then she danced as delicately as she could to navigate that mine field. I heard exactly what she wasn't saying, it was leaning strongly toward psych issues. I'm going crazy.I thought about what that could look like. I got scared. Not at all her fault.
WHO ARE YOU: Got a call from someone in the psych department, we talked and she asked if I would like to talk to one of her people as well. If it'll help, sure. She'll be up shortly.
THE DOCTOR IS IN: 5¢: A little while later I met with a psychiatrist. Buff, the doctor and I talked for about an hour. We covered a lot of issues dug as deep as one shovel can in that duration
KNEW ORDER: She reckoned it was a combination of CPTSD, ADHD, Major Anxiety, and Post Stroke Depression, add to that a plate of identity crisis. Single stack house fire deluxe,Small-fries hold the moving out, and a home made custom middle age dipping sauce.
It's a lot, but it's a meal made just for me. No compliments to the chef.
WHERE IS MY MIND: She also pointed out that the ongoing reconfiguration of neurological pathways could be reawakening pockets of previously tucked away trauma events / experiences.
DON CHU, FORGET ABOUT ME: It was also noted that tapping into those experiences is likely stirring up subconscious emotions of forcing a reaction, while not actually being able to recall any specific issue or memory. So, when Buff asks me why I'm blubbering like a baby, all I can say is I don't know.
IT'S ALL IN MY MIND: Then she really sweetened the pot by adding that she couldn't rule out Schizophrenia as a very real consideration here as well.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HURT ME OR YOURSELF: I was also asked, as expected, if I was having any self harm/ suicidal ideations. I really hated saying it out loud, but I did admit to having PSI (passive suicidal ideations).
NO ONE EXPECTS AN INQUISITION: Then she had to ask if I had any history of suicide attempts, and I had to regurgitate all that horrible nonsense.
KILLER IN THE HOME: Then she got more invasive and asked if I heard voices when people weren't present. It felt so much worse than my physical pain to have to answer yes. I've never told anyone besides one former doctor from years ago about that.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID: So, she put out the option of checking into a short term psych / medical inpatient treatment. She mentioned that it would allow for med check / assessment and adjustment. Noting that the week or two that it would take is a huge chunk of time for a guy in my situation. I told her that I'd do whatever it takes to get this shit resolved ASAP, because I really can't continue on like this, without at least a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't an oncoming train.
HEARTBREAK HOTEL: I thought about it once, and then I thought twice when Buff reminded me how miserable I was last time. Insurance covered two weeks at this joint, Checked in, wife left, THEN I was advised that there was a required two week to quarantine for the Corona virus. So it was a lot of sitting in a room 24/7, alone, without any way to kill time. In the end I left with no therapy but lots of prescriptions. It wasn't their fault, but it wasn't any sort of help.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Buff and the doctor pointed out that prescribing all those meds at once made it impossible to differentiate if the effects of the meds or symptoms of the stroke. Of course the first stroke hadn't been diagnosed (for lack of looking on the doctor's part) so they didn't have a reason to consider that. The symptom timeline is consistent with the I'm going crazy timeline however.
SUMMARY IN THE CITY: It was a glorified panic attack, but it wasn't glorious at all. I think it would be comical to give people the way over simplified version of: I basically went to the ER because I was just super sad.
LAST NIGHT'S TAKE AWAY: It was an educational experience of sorts, but far more miserable than any class I took in school.
LEESSENS: I got a good lesson on empathy and even though I didn't ask for it, God gave it to me anyway.Just like he got rid of all my stuff as a lesson on materialism. I didn't ask for that either.
What we want is not always what we need.
NO REGERTS: I really wish that any-one at any-point in any- hospital stay had mentioned any-thing about Post Stroke Depression.
SLIVERCHAIR: I didn't have to wait in line for confirmation that I was free of Corona virus. Positive vibes only.
