What I do, I do for me.

"What I do, I do for me." 

Someone once said that to me. 

At first I was shocked.

Then I considered what wisdom might be found in those words. 

I suppose for certain "healthy" people, this might be a train of thought well worth the pursuit.

If I'm honest, thinking back over the events of my life, I'm not sure if any of what I did was to be self motivated (beyond intrinsic survival instinct). 

I'm not honestly sure what I would have done that was constructive, if anything at all. 

I have always had responsibilities, real or imagined, physical or mental, someone else was depending on me to be or do something that I somehow thought was meaningful and so did gladly. Rarely was it truly meaningful in the way I thought it was supposed to be.

Whatever I might point to as self-motivated choices, were in hindsight the most self-destructive choices I've ever made.

I've only rarely experienced a moment a glimpse of myself as potentially being alright, fleeting moments, but they do exist.

I know that I am the result of grace and the people around me. That is entirely what has gotten me this far.

So, for now, (I will I try to at least) make more of what I do be more for me. I will try to treat myself the way I might treat even a stranger. 

It will never be an absolute, simply because it can never be.