Bad Jokes I Think I Made Up

Q) How do you know things are serious when you're dating an electrician?
A) When you get to third phase.

Q) Why do electricians make bad surfers? A) They like to go beyond the breakers.

Q) How to streets fart?
A) Through their asphalt.

Q) Why do ghosts make bad bartenders?
A) They can't resist giving away the boos.

Q) What drink do they serve at haunted houses?
A) Ghoul Aid.

Sharin' Tates

What to do Charles Manson and a grade school cafeteria have in common?

There's No I in Team 2

If there's no eye in team, I certainly hope that team isn't attempting any sort of dangerous sport.

There's No I in Team

Anyone who thinks that there's no I in team, has never been on a pirate bowling league.

Is there an I in team there?

Aye!

The Nile

You'd think I'd see a lot more stigmata given the number of people that tell me they're doing so called "cross training".

Yeah...whatever you say.

Who do they think they're fooling?!

Themselves maybe, but not me, that's for sure.

Liars...

You got to be patient to be a horticulturist

You got to keep your plants on.

One last thing

If I could tell you only one thing before I died, This is what I would tell you...

False Hope

As a kid I was told what it takes to be a doctor. 

 

That obviously never happened for me...

Flock Off

That Jesus calls us sheep is not a compliment to my thinking.

FYI

Just so you know, inspired by my deodorant, (as I do most of my reading in the bathroom) I will now be referring to my flatulence as "invisible solids".

First and Second Aid

I hope exercising my First Amendment right doesn't mean you're going to start exercising your Second Amendment right...

Thank You Adobe!

For reminding me multiple times each day that you have yet another update for me to manually install.

The difference between each update is such an incredible and wonderfully new experience.

I really enjoy ceasing the work that I'm doing to not see any difference at all.

Your continual quest for improvement is admirable and not aggravating at all.

Sincerely,
The Most Patient Person in the World

Change

If true change comes from within, then spare change comes from without.

The Lowest Possible Level

Isn't the term the "high seas" a little odd considering that sea level is a baseline for the lowest possible level? Just thinking...

Nine Won One...

Paige told me about someone she knew that had a dog named Nine-Eleven.
She also told me that she thought Nine-Eleven was an inside dog.

The lost shall be first...

Have you ever noticed that when you visit someone who lives in an apartment complex for the first time they usually just tell you where to park and come out to meet you?

Throw me a frikin' Bone Man

If the people in charge of such things were forced to adhere to the same standards they subject others to, I would have to guess that none of us then would have to suffer the injustice of single ply toilet paper.

The Lord's Chips

I've got the moves like Jagger

Problem is I'm a lot younger.

Blessed are the piece makers

I'd love to hear a good sermon about God's view on sexual relations