The End of the Beginning, the Beginning of the End

It's strange to think that I'm now the least I've ever been, and likely more than I'll ever be again. 

It is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.

 -namasdave

3s

There is a strength in silence that comes without solice.

Future Tense

I don't want to give up, but I do have to wonder if giving up would be more or less difficult than holding out hope.

I'm a fucking idiot and I'm sure time will prove me right.

Body and Soul

It's a difficult thing to wake up every morning and know more about what's not going to happen, than what will. To know you're not that guy anymore. To not know how to be or if you'll be ever again.

It's a difficult thing to wake up every morning and know that the one thing you need, the one thing you absolutely must do, is to talk yourself out of your own unwarranted optimism, and accept that what never was, will never be. A day long conversation with yourself that is had every single day. It is soul crushing.

It's a difficult thing to know that by most standards life is apparently great, and in most ways it is. But the distance between souls cannot be measured by the distance between bodies. It is not seen by the eyes, but by the heart.

It's difficult to keep hope alive, when there is no welcome discussion of emotional depth and no apparent change to indicate progress forward or otherwise. It is to be untouchable, and to crave touch all at once.

It is an easy thing however to use THC, vodka, and crime shows fill the gaps, to fill the silence and perpetuate it at the same time... the stillness, that is somehow to be counted as progress.

Imagination

Imagine you aren't allowed to express your feelings to the person closest to you.

Imagine going to bed next to the only one you've ever wanted, know that they don't want you.

Imagine knowing that you never again see that look in your lover's eye.

Imagine knowing you've lost that chance and that maybe that one miraculous day it returns, your too old, it's too late.

Imagine spending most of your life with someone, knowing they never truly let you in, so you don't really know them, not really.

Imagine knowing that to their mind you are the very source of their lifetime's worth of discontent and misery.

Imagine you aren't allowed to express your feelings to the person closest to you.

Imagine they, in all reality, they don't actually want to know.

As Far as Humans Go

Is it foolish to hope for the future, something has never been in the past? 

I mean only so far as humans go.

What I do, I do for me.

"What I do, I do for me." 

Someone once said that to me. 

At first I was shocked.

Then I considered what wisdom might be found in those words. 

I suppose for certain "healthy" people, this might be a train of thought well worth the pursuit.

If I'm honest, thinking back over the events of my life, I'm not sure if any of what I did was to be self motivated (beyond intrinsic survival instinct). 

I'm not honestly sure what I would have done that was constructive, if anything at all. 

I have always had responsibilities, real or imagined, physical or mental, someone else was depending on me to be or do something that I somehow thought was meaningful and so did gladly. Rarely was it truly meaningful in the way I thought it was supposed to be.

Whatever I might point to as self-motivated choices, were in hindsight the most self-destructive choices I've ever made.

I've only rarely experienced a moment a glimpse of myself as potentially being alright, fleeting moments, but they do exist.

I know that I am the result of grace and the people around me. That is entirely what has gotten me this far.

So, for now, (I will I try to at least) make more of what I do be more for me. I will try to treat myself the way I might treat even a stranger. 

It will never be an absolute, simply because it can never be.

View Askew

It seems contradictory to tell one's self they are worthy of love. Isn't he whole nature of loving and being loved contradictory to the notion of bestowing and receiving love based on ones worthiness?

Whenever I've been given this advice from my professional friends ( aka therapists) I just can't seem to fathom the concept of it.Yet I am told to repeat that mantra.

Why? 

I am only myself. If I am loved the assessment of my worthiness really has little to nothing to with it.

Am I wrong? Is my view askew? What am I missing here?

-namasdave

Speak My Language

What is there to do when the one you desire has made it clear they don't feel the same?

I suppose the best I can do is be myself and even if I knew what that meant, history has shown that is always too much, or not enough, whatever it is, it's not working and it never has.

To be spoken to in one's native language must be a lovely thing indeed.

Meme, Myself, and Aye

By my naivety or ignorance but never willingly, my greatest regret is that I've only ever been able to be myself, for I am both too much and not enough all at once, and I have been told outright on many an occasion. So that I am never in the position to be the person I am not (but would love to have been) and thus receive what I have always most desperately desire, in the moments I desire it most.

I feel bound to adhere to my long history of willingly choosing hopelessness over hope, in order to avoid facing the disappointment and result of who I feel I am in reality to those closest to me.

A word to the wise.... Avoid me, for I am not who you imagine me to be. I am far worse than you could possibly imagine, silently if not out loud.

I don't need to feel better, I just need to feel nothing. 

I don't know how else to cope.

-namasdave

Anti Matter

The more I tell myself it shouldn't matter, and it doesn't matter, the more I realize that deep down it really does matter, to me at least. What else can I say when in the grand scheme it's just me and my feelings that really don't matter. At least it doesn't seem to affect anything.

What I do, I do for myself.

That's what I was told.

So where am I in all of this?

To have a healthy appetite without me on the menu? 

To be declared unattractive.

To be told that I am the one because that's the only real option.

To be told perhaps I was never really attractive.

To know that simple mechanics can accomplish what I am not allowed or afforded.

So then, what am I anymore?

someone...

I need to believe that someone I believe in is someone that believes in me. That someone I love is in love with me, that someone I desire is someone that desires me... But alsas no, what I desire desires me least.

.

Bed & Break Fast

If I ever start a bed & breakfast I'll call it the Inn Good Co.

In Good Co.

Begining to enjoy my own company, first required my own silence in the company of others.

I'm a Joker

When Egyptians get cancer, do they see an Ankhologist?

-namasdave

Do witches use spell check?

-namasdave

1,000 Mine Fields

The journey of a thousand mine fields, begins with a single step. Step carefully my friends.

-namasdave

2B

Of all the things I have or haven't been, and of all the things I may or may not be, there only a few that will leave me with regret. That regret however, will be great.

It Was A Very Good Week

Age takes the weeks that once felt like years, and turns that into years that now feel like weeks.

-namasdave

No Ragrets

As a much younger man, I always believed I would die without regrets.

I was more wrong than I could have guessed. 

The weight of it is heavier than I could have imagined.

Win or Lose, We'll Know Soon

The casualties are high, morale is down, and we've arrived at the balancing point...

To keep pushing through and fight until it ends one way or another, or to count our losses, walk away, and live to fight another day.

Be, Leave, the Gilded Cage

If you could believe, in this place at this moment, that whatever difficulty you're experiencing right now would be the worst thing that would ever happen to you...what would you do to see it through to the other side? I imagine quite a bit.

That said, it probably isn't the worst thing that will ever happen, but maybe, just maybe if you can get through this  you'll have what you need to get through the next worst thing, or perhaps the next worst thing won't seem so difficult.

Would you leave in the middle of a movie because you couldn't see how it might possibly end well? 

You paid the price of admission, you might as well enjoy the show.

All the world's indeed a stage and we are merely players

Performers and portrayers

Each anothers audience outside the gilded cage

-Rush

To quote 80's pop icon Howard Jones:

And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be, the door always must be left unlocked.

To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you; and not to spend the time just doubting.

What is love anyway? 

Does anybody love anybody anyway?

(This picture has nothing meaningful to do with this post.)

T-I-Double G- ER

They say that disappointment is the result of unmet expectation. 

That being the case, then it seems to me that one sure way to ensure continually disappointed in anyone, is to leave your expectations unexpressed.

With And Without You

To live with and without simultaneously.

I'm Not the Rooster

Hide your head in the sand long enough & often enough, you'll start to notice that everything smells like dirt.